Confessions

I ♥ Vic.
Not love. But reaaally reaaally like. So far.
We're going to Halloween Haunt at Great America in two weeks..
And we're getting a hotel and shit to party afterwards.
Cause Alicia and Scott Spicer are coming too.
Hellaaaaaa fun :)
&& Cook's been home from Arizona all weekend!
It was his 21st so we all went to the Saddle Rack last night,
then had this huge party at his house tonight.
Saw Ryan and David and Willie and met some other people too.
Right now life is fucking amazing.
Except school, I'm bombing at school.
But everything else is awesome!!! Haha I'm waaay too hyper right now.

Lyrics from Down;;
"Don't you ever leave the side of me..
Indefinitely, not probably..
And honestly? I'm down like the economy.
So baby don't worry, you are my only..
You won't be lonely, even if the sky is falling down.
You'll be my only, no need to worry..
Baby are you down, down, down, down, down?" :) <333

I'm so tired :( There was a party for my cousin yesterday in Livermore (like an hour away) so me and Alicia went with my mom.. and then they said they wanted us to stay for the afterparty... so my mom drove me and Alicia home, and then we got back in the car and drove back to Livermore. It was cool though, we played the drinking game Scott Spicer got me for my birthday.. So I didn't even get home until hella late, and now Alicia just called me and she's on her way to my mom's house and they're coming to pick me up cause we said we wanted to see the ranch she's buying in Lodi (like two hours away) so another whole day in the car. My ADHD so isn't up for this shit haha. Aaron fell off the face of the planet, good.. I hope he stays there.

Lyrics from Second Chance;;
"Tell my mother, tell my father..
I've done the best I can.
To make them realize, this is my life..
I hope they understand.
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."

Cook's coming home next month for his 21st birthday :) His mommy just wrote me on myspace. He's been in Arizona since the 4th of July and I miss him :( We were supposed to go to Vegas, but now we're just going to the Saddle Rack and I'm gonna ride the bull! haha. More boy drama. No boys are perfect. I keep forgetting that. Plus I'm ditching school today, I'm too tired. Me and Alicia went to Newark last night and hung out at Pizza Hut while Scott Spicer worked... yummmy Pizza Hut pizza :) It's my favorite! Haha.

Lyrics from Bonfire;;
"You can see it from the river, to the top of White Pine Ridge..
Burning like a summer sun, a bunch of rednecks getting half lit.
There's mud-covered trucks and SUV's, cranking out Hank and AC/DC.
At the bonfire, out in the sticks.. Country backwoods, homegrown hicks.
Bonfire, dance a little jig.. Hold up your cup and take another swig..
Won't sleep till dawn, gonna party right down to the wire.. at the bonfire.
Everybody seen the headlights, when old Sheriff John pulled up..
We all got a little nervous, it was too late to hide our cups.
But then he popped a top and hollered real loud,
"DON'T WORRY YA'LL, I CAME TO HANG OUT!"
At the bonfire.." :)

Hung out with Aaron again last night, he's super cute :) He calls me Princess now because of my tattoo. Hah! And we just laid on his bed and watched the baseball game, very calm.. no drama. It's refreshing? Does that make sense? I guess I've never just had a chill relationship with someone. Not that we're anywhere near a relationship. But we're already starting out so much better than me and Kyle ever got. Then after I hung out with him me, Alicia, Brandon, and Scott Spicer went to Golfland in Milpitas to play mini golf... fun times! haha. They were all completely wasted, but the only person I golfed better than was Alicia and that's cause she would be texting so use one hand and totally miss. Otherwise I would have really sucked haha.

Lyrics from Where I'm From;;
"I said I'm flying out here to pick up my big brother,
He's been fighting the cancer they discovered.
But he called last night and said 'I think this is the end,
so come take me home to my family and my friends'.
Where the quarterback dates the homecoming queen,
The truck's a ford and the tractors green..
And Amazing Grace is what we sing.
Where there's a county fair every fall,
And your friends are there no matter when you call.
Yeah it may not sound like much, but it's where I'm from.
And as we stood there to claim the bags we checked,
He said I'll pray for your brother and did I mention that
Italian suits haven't always been my style..
See I was the quarter back of my high school team,
We took state back in '63..
And my wife.... Well she's still my homecoming queen."

So, there are a lot of things I like about my dad.. especially how non-perceptive he is. His fiancé however, she has super-senses. I haven't felt the need to tell my dad me and Kyle are "on the outs" or "broken up" or "taking a break" or whatever him disappearing could possibly mean. Because IF Kyle comes back, and my dad knows how big of an ass he's been, he's never going to like him again.. and I don't want that to happen. So until I know for sure it's over, my dad isn't going to know anything. This involves me lying sometimes and saying I'm going to see Kyle, or that I'm texting Kyle, or that Kyle got me the new $80 bikini I'm wearing. But my dad's fiancé... she sees through it. Tonight I said I was going to hang out with Alicia and Scott Spicer and she was all "Are you and Kyle not seeing each other anymore?" Just flat out. And I kinda looked at her for a second, like.. do you know something I don't? But I played it off, I guess. I said that we're both just really busy and we both have our own lives and I'm not like my sister and her boyfriend or how she is with my dad, I can have a life without my boyfriend being completely involved in every aspect. But she just looked at me, like she knew. And I'm not sure what my problem is with telling people that we're over, maybe because I don't want to admit we're over? Even this guy me and Alicia met at Safeway yesterday.. he asked if I had a boyfriend, and I was like "Yeah." And Alicia laughed so then I thought about it and I was like "No, well.. kind of." And then he laughed, and I was like "I guess I'm not sure." I don't know. I feel weird without him. He hasn't even tried talking to me since my birthday, but I'm sticking with Cosmo and it plainly says don't text him. God I've written a lot. My dad put my pictures frames, mirror, shelves, curtain rod, and crown molding up today.. I'm starting to feel at home here, which is nice. Kyle's picture is in a picture frame next to my bed, my dad put it there when he was setting everything up for me, I haven't had the heart to move it yet but it's probably not healthy to keep it there. Ughh I don't know why everything has to be so hard, I didn't even want a relationship.. I don't know how this fucking happened to me. I'm about to go do a survey on myspace and go to bed early. Life is lameee.

Lyrics from Knock You Down;;
"I never thought I'd be in love like this..
When I look at you my mind goes on a trip.
Then you came in and knocked me on my face,
Feels like I'm in a race.. but I already won first place.
I never thought I'd fall for you as hard as I did..
You've got me thinking about our life, a house, and kids.
Every morning I look at you and smile,
Cause boy you came around.. and you knocked me down.
Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down..
Just get back up when it knocks you down.
Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down..
Just get back up when it knocks you down."

I suck at this. But what else is new. I suck at everything else too, like relationships. Ughhh. Kyle disappeared. Alicia, Scott Spicer and me got a hotel room last weekend for Brandon's birthday, and I ended up sleeping in the same bed with him and he kissed me.. but I'm just not into him. So now I feel bad for leading him on, and I feel bad for kissing other guys without knowing what's up with Kyle. So he hits me up the other night after over a week. Making the same stupid promises, telling me how much he loves me, swears it'll be different, tells me he's gonna make me the biggest part of his life, and then I haven't fucking heard from him since. GOD boys piss me off. Ughhhhh. I like Kyle. Love him sometimes. But it's all way to screwed up, I'm kinda over it. For now.

Lyrics from Tomorrow;;
"And I wanna believe you, when you tell me it will be okay..
Yeah I try and believe you... but I don't.
When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way.
I try to believe you, but not today..
I don't know how I feel.. Tomorrow.. Tomorrow..
I don't know what to say.. Tomorrow.. Tomorrow..
Tomorrow is a different day.
It's always been up to you, lets turn it around.. it's up to me.
I'm gonna do what I have to do, just don't..
Give me a little time, leave me alone a little while..
Maybe it's not to late.."

So, okay. I'm the worst not-girlfriend ever. It can never just be simple. I know Kyle is an ass, and I know I defend him a lot when I shouldn't, and I know we aren't even TOGETHER. But this whole me kissing other guys thing.. it's gotta stop. Me and Alicia went to Newark today, to Scott Spicer's house.. to hang out with him and Brandon. And I know Brandon kind of likes me, but he's shorter than me! *I'm 5'2.* So shorter isn't at all what I'm into.. but his friend is there, Ethan. And I don't know how but they were playing Halo and I got somehow talked into being the good luck charm.. and ended up on Ethan's lap, and he kissed me. So Brandon gets mad, and leaves.. and Alicia was mad that we didn't go to Cook's because then she was gonna see my other friend BrandAN that she's into.. so everyone was mad, except Ethan. He's totally cute, but just another way to piss off Kyle. I really gotta stop doing this. Because it really is just proving to him I'm not ready to be his girlfriend WhEN I really fucking want to be. UGHHH. I'm going crazy. Tomorrow is gonna suckkkk.

Lyrics from Wild At Heart;;
"Down a backroad, long hot summer..
A couple kids running lose in the wild.
He kissed her.. She said
"Mister.. Take an inch and I'll give you a mile."
I ain't here to do anything half way,
I don't give a damn what anyone might say..
I just want to free-fall for awhile......
About midnight, he tells her:
"I ain't got no come on lines.."
Well I love you, or I'll try to..
We got nothing to lose but time.
OOh oh, alright..
The night is telling us we're way to young.
Oooh oh, that's alright..
I've got forever on the tip of my tounge."

Thursday night; Kyle says he'll make time for me. That I'm important, and he'll prove it. Now it's Saturday; and I haven't heard from him since. So much for making time for me. Ugh, last night was cool though. Me and Alicia went to Scott Spicer's house and hung out with him and Brandon. I kicked their ass at baseball & racing on the Xbox :]

Lyrics from For You;;
"You asked me for forgiveness, girl you got it.
You don't love me.. what else can I do?
If this really is the end, you won't see my face again..
If that's what you want, I'll do that for you.
Oh but now you're asking too much..
You want me to find somebody new.
Oh I never thought I'd say this.. but girl, congratulations.
You found the one thing I can't do for you.
You better think of something else,
Cause there's no way to turn it off.
I'm sorry girl, I can't fall out of love."

Haven't used this because I was mad about my iTunes, but I restored the computer and it's all back! Yayyy. :] Okay soo, Last month I was mad at Alicia because I had heard that she was talking to Chris Spencer.. and on Sunday we went to Newark to deal with Jason/Scott Spicer drama and her phone started vibrating.. and it was Chris Spencer.. WHAT THE HELL? I don't understand. I guess he got her number from Paul, and Paul wants to be my best friend again after completely ignoring me since November. And Paul was the one who hooked me up with Chris Spencer, WHY IS HE HOOKING HIM UP WITH ALICIA NOW?? Grr. And when I asked Alicia about it, she was all like: You have Kyle. Uhm, soo? I'm so frusterated. Then not only that, Jason was texting Alicia too.. JASON. When we were in Newark her and Jason were TEXTING. She said he wanted my new number, but I don't believe her.. because she has a palm centro and it shows the whole conversation.. and I didn't see my name ANYWHERE in it. But I guess I should just let her do what she wants, I do sort of have Kyle.. I had sex with him three days ago.. He swears it won't change anything, but I already feel like it has. And I have been talking to Andy, just because he's the only person who really listens. Which is weird, but as mad as I get at him.. and as much as I hate him sometimes, he's the only person I feel I can run to when shit gets bad, and he really is ALWAYS there. He listens about Alicia, and about my family, and about school, and even about Kyle. He might have alterior motives or whatever, but I really just needed him to be my friend, I like Kyle.. I don't feel like he's using me for ANYTHING, it's just scary when I'm not 1000% sure.. But besides the Alicia drama I'm good, just waiting for my stupid house to sell, grrrr.

Lyrics from Come One, Come All;;
"Come one, come all..
You're just in time to witness my first breakdown.
Cause there's a mile gone for every minute passed when I'm stuck in this town.
Don't call the doctors, I don't need no medication..
I just need one more vacation, and make it last.."

Yay I got my unemployment check today! :] But the stupid bank is closed utnil Monday, and then my phone bill is due and I need gas and to get my oil changed and I haven't been shopping in it feels like forever haha. Talked to Jon today, he comes back on March 13th but he only gets to stay for 10 days and he has to work the whole time as a recruiter.. LAME. Sharks lost, but Kyle is in a good mood.. weird. He even texted me first and told me he misses me.. haha still don't know what's up for the Sharks game though. I asked Ryan if he wanted to go and he said that he did and his birthday is in April and I said it would be like his birthday thing instead.. and who knows how many more times Kyle will bounce before the game. And I asked Jon if him and Scott Spicer wanted to come, but I guess Jon has a girlfriend now and will be busy the two weeks he is back.. lamee but I cleaned out my hallway closet today.. we had medicine in there that expired in 2002.. EW. An offer was made on my house yesterday, they only offered $640,000 when our house is being offered at $739,000... trippin'. But my parents countered anyways and said $710,000 cash ONLY and it's theres... so I will know by Monday if we go back into ESCROW or whatever. Hmm, still waiting for my tax rebate, can't wait until I have hellla money again. :]

Lyrics from Be Good To Me;;
"Everyday it's getting worse, do the same things and it hurts..
I don't know if I should cry.. all I know is that I'm trying.
I wanna believe in you, I wanna believe in you, but you make it so hard to do.
What's the point of making plans? You break all the ones we have..
I don't know where we went wrong, cause we used to be so strong.
I wanna believe in you, I wanna believe in you..
So why can't you be, be good to me?
I don't ask for much.. All I want is love, someone to see that's all I need..
Somebody to be, somebody to be, somebody to be good to me."

I have a phone interview today! I'm kinda excited. :] I was really against taking another nanny gig though because I wanted to get some experience in office work so that I can go to either a business or psychology major and have something to put on a resume.. but $20/hour... 5 days a week/4 hours a day to watch a 12 year old?? I'll do it. :] I was kinda over the little kids thing, but my brothers are 13&14. I could easily take care of a 12 year old, plus it's only until June and then I'll find something more permanent after that. Valetines Day weekend kinda sucked. Kyle worked Saturday, so me and Alicia went to the mall with Scott Spicer and showed off our new Sharks jerseys. Sunday though, it was pouring down rain but me and Kyle went to the park and walked around and got all wet lol then we got in a fight though and I took him to his car and drove around by myself. But then we were good, I brought him lunch to his work on Monday, I totally like him a lot. Yesterday a tree fell on Michelle's car!! So I'm back to being a taxi until it gets fixed. My brakes get done Saturday, thank God. Coming down the hill from school is crazy my steering wheel like jerks out of control because the anti-lock brakes are failing.. no bueno. School is good though. Got a B+ on my spanish test, and an A in my math class. :]

By the way this whole Rihanna/Chris Brown thing sounds like bullshit. Team Chris definately, she was having a P.I. stalk him whenever they weren't together??! Fucking crazy bitch, I'd hit her ass too haha.

Lyrics from Is This Love?
""I just gotta know, is this love?
Because I gotta know, is this real?
Girl I gotta know.. is it you taking over my heart?
If it's love, then all my girls and them I gotta give them up..
My playing days is over, I gotta hang it up.
I gotta know, I gotta know, yeah.. is this love?
I ain't been doing much sleeping, just daydreaming..
Cause she's all up in my head and I can't take it.
I ain't never, ever felt like this.
I gotta know, I gotta know.. is this how love really is?"

Alicia dumped Scott Spicer, and since Tommy and Jason are dead FOREVER to me.. and Jon is in the ARMY, I'm guessing this is his last mention in my journal. R.I.P. tag of Scott Spicer, haha. But me and Kyle are good. He's coming over tomorrow to spend time with me :]. Totally cutee. Haha and my boots will be here in 3-5 days!! Yayyy. Loveee my life.

Lyrics from Stay Young;;
"Let's burn our dreams into the skyline..
Tattoo our sweat in tears, forever you and I.
Hold your breath until we cross the sundown,
This is the moment time is racing.. slow it down.
Cause you, a feeling I can't deny..
We are only here for one more night,
So scream it like you mean it.. One more time.
We'll tear down the building..
Come on, come on.. Sing along whoa..
Come on, come on.. Stay young.

So I went on my first "date" with Kyle last night. He took me to see Twilight, again. :] He even said he kinda liked the movie, soo cute. We back to our old high school and just sat in his car and talked for two hours. It was so fun, I already kinda like him. I am sooo happy right now. I start school a week from today, and I'm actually sort of excited about it. Nothing back from any jobs though, so we'll see. Plus I was on alloy.com and found boots I hella want!! So I convinced my dad to buy two pairs (Black & White) and I'll pay him back because I just got a $206 unemployment check and taxes are coming up. SOoo happy. Alicia's getting her abortion in like 10 days.. No little Scott & Alicia baby's anytime soon. lol

Lyrics from Don't:
"Baby baby, don't... Don't just say you're leaving,
Why don't you stay a little bit longer?
Got it going on.. And I just can't believe it,
This feeling it just keeps getting stronger.
No, no one else can love me like you do..
You know, I ain't even close to through loving you."

Big news: Alicia and me took pregnancy tests today. I'm not, she is. AGAIN. 8 weeks, 4 days pregnant... it's Scott Spicer's baby. So now, she's getting an abortion this time, and I know that I can't stop her. But I'm the only reason she had Zamiera and I love her that's my princess, but Alicia is so unhappy that I can't say anything. She barely sleeps as it is, and I can only imagine her baby daddy finding out she's pregnant with a white guy's baby.. or explaining to her parents when they don't even know that she's not with her first baby's dad. So she's calling to find out her options tomorrow, and Kyle says he will talk to me the whole time I wait since today I waited for 2 hours by myself. So now Alicia wants to break up with Scott Spicer- and I don't know what to say to her. But she just left, either way I love her. 14 years of being best friends prepared me for this, I have to be her friend even when I think she's wrong. But if it had been me instead, pregnant with Tommy's baby.. I can't say that I wouldn't be doing the same thing.. It's just stressful, so I can't really imagine what would happen if she even wanted to keep it. But I guess I'll write more when I find out. I have to go to my grandpa's house, it's his 85th birthday and my dad made him a cake.

Lyrics from Already Gone;;
"My momma mapped out the road that she knows,
Which hands you shake and which hands you hold..
In my hand-me-down Mercury.. ready to roll,
She knew that I had to go and hang out.. make lots of noise.
And lay out, late with a boy.
Make the mistakes that she made, cause she knew all along..
I was already gonee."

I hate Jason. I hate Jon. I hate Scott Spicer. Me and Alicia went to Newark today, to see Jon... but he doesn't want to hang out with us without Jason, and hell fucking no am I going to hang out with Jason. So Alicia tells Scott to make sure Jason isn't invited.. not only is he INVITED.. but Scott fucking tells Jason not to tell me he's coming because I don't want him there, what the hell? So then Jason texts me and is like.. "Be honest Stacey, do you really feel that uncomfortable around me?" And I was like yeahhh... So we got in this huge fight and Jon decides to stay with Jason instead of hang out with us.. I'm so mad. I hate him. But I saw Ricky today, we didn't have "the talk" because Alicia was there too with the baby, and we all went to McDonalds.. but then he got mad at me when he found out we were going to Newark and I told him he couldn't come.. because I thought it would be like Alcia and Scott, and then me and Ricky.. and then Jon.. and Jon is the one I wanted to spend time with, I would have fucking brought him if I had known what was going to happen. So now he's mad. I'm fucking over all of it. At least I dyed my hair today, it's beautifulllll haha, Chocolate Velvet.. it's perfectt. It's really dark brown, I adoreee it.

Lyrics from How Long:
"Why'd you go and break what's already broken?
I try to take a breath but I'm already tokin'..
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him,
How long till this goes away? How long till this goes away?
She said she wants to be friends.. I took a big step back.
She said, she said, she said she's sorry..
With one finger I said fuck that.
I can tell you're lying when your lips move....."