Confessions

Jason hit me up, I figured he would when Jon told me he was getting out of jail.. He told me that he hopes I'm doing good and he just wanted to let me know he's out and that he hopes I have a good birthday.. Random. But Kyle hasn't talked to me since the talk we had, so who knows. I'm going to Reno in 11 hours. My whole life might have possibly changed by the time I write in here again. I could possibly be a kajillionaire! hahaha. I miss Kyle though, for real. Even though I swear I'm done. Even though I say I don't care. Even though I say he's just another guy and I like all these others guys. Kyle's really it. I can't picture myself without him, I'm not sure if there is a me anymore without him..

Lyrics from Here We Go Again;;
"I throw all of your stuff away, and then I clear you out of my head..
I tear you out of my heart, and ignore all your messages..
I tell everyone we are through, cause I'm so much better without you..
But it's just another pretty lie, cause I break down everytime you come around.
So how did you get here under my skin? I swore that I'd never let you back in..
I should've known better, than trying to let you go.. cause here we go again.
As hard as I try I know I can't quit, something about you is so addictive..
We're falling together, you think that by now I'd know..
Cause here we go, go, go again.
You never know what you want, and you never say what you mean..
But I start to go insane, everytime that you look at me.
You only hear half of what I say, and you're only showing up too late..
And I know that I should say goodbye, but it's no use..
I can't be with or without you.."

First off, I'm no longer mentioning..... the boy I used to care somewhat about. Because I don't care about him anymore. Alicia thinks I'm lying, but I'm not. I have completely shut off any feeling what-so-ever for him, so his tag can rest in fucking peace, I will not be speaking of him again. And I'll take one out of retirement, remember Jason? He's been rotting in jail for like 9 months, since I started dating he-who-must-not-be-spoken-of, but he's getting out the 14th. Jon was telling me today on the phone that Jason is all "super-religious" now, and doesn't want to be around drinking, smoking, or drug use.. hah! Jason? That's funny. What's Jason without his coke and alcohol? I wouldn't have any idea, that's how I always saw him. But I guess it's cool he wants to change, I used to care about him.. that gives me a little bit of hope over my current boy-dillema. There was a time I didn't think I've feel for someone what I felt for Jason, and two weeks after Jason was locked up I was cool.. So I'm just fine. One more week until Reno, but until then my life is lacking some serious entertainment. I've read so many books and watched so many DVD's this week.. it's crazy. The cable guy comes tomorrow though, I'll have TV back!! I do need a new boy though, it would help a lot more to have someone occupying my time and my thoughts. Maybe I can trick the feelings for that one guy into just disappearing once and for all :] haha I wish.

Lyrics from Best Days Of Your Life;;
"Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind,
From the day we met.. to you making me cry.
And it's just too bad you've already had..
The best days, the best days of your life.
Ain't it a shame? A shame that everytime you hear my name..
Brought up in a casual conversation, you can't think straight.
And ain't it sad? You can't forget about what we had..
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me?"

Facts:
*I'm moving out. I'll only be in my house for twelve more days. *I got to paint my new room though, super pink, I love it. *I'm doing so well in school, pulled A's last semester and this one too! *Still no job though, and I've applied everywhere.. twice. *Jon hit me up, he wants to be best friends again since him and his girlfriend are dunzo. I HATE when boys do that, ditch me cause I'm a girl, but then want me around when their bitch is gone, fuck that. *And I am completely in love with Kyle :] hahahahaha.

Lyrics from Then;;
"I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met you,
You had me mesmorized..
And three weeks later in the front porch light,
Taking fourty-five minutes to kiss goodnight..
I hadn't told you yet, but I thought I loved you then.
Now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world..
I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl.
Like a river meets the sea, stronger than it's ever been..
We've come so far since that day, and I thought I loved you then.

Got this from this girl's bulletin off of myspace.
But reallllly didn't want to post it back on there,
And have all my stupid friends make fun of me haha.

A picture of you in your room:

(In my playboy chair, that's the only picture of me EVER in my room haha)

A picture of you feeling very energetic:

(Twisterrrr! I love Twister, and Alicia haha.)

A picture of you on your birthday:

(Me and my birthday cake my daddy made me on my 19th birthday)

The youngest picture of yourself you can find in digital form:

(Me on my sixteenth birthday, I cut my mom out, that was mean :/ )

A picture of you in one of your favorite outfits:

(Such a whorey picture haha! But it's my favorite skirt EVER.)

A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera:

(Doesn't get goofier than that.)

A picture of you in a team or club you were in:

(Michelle, me and Alicia made our own club in high school, lameeee.)

A picture of a day or night you regret:

(Andrew was definately my biggest regret, ever so ANY day with him.)

A picture of the real you:

(Me. Eating. Like fucking always. hahaha. I love food :] )

The most recent picture of you:

(At the beach, the other day <33 )

A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous:

(Haaha my step sister Tammy buried me in the sand and I just wanted pringles.)

A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't:

(Scott and me. Definately took that boy for fucking granted. Lamee.)

A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is:

(Andy. I'll always care about him, but we were a fucked up couple.)

A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken:

(Hahaha. Alicia was ready. I had no idea what was going on.)

A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now:

(Skateboarding, trying to impress a boy. I wouldn't waste my time now haha.)

A picture of you in a fashion "don't":

(I wouldn't NOT wear sweaters. Ew. It was fucking a thousand degrees.)

A picture of yourself that you hate:

(Me and Alicia at the beach, I don't HATE it.. I just think I look fat. Yuck.)

A picture that describes how you'd like to spend everyday:

(With my best friends. Ryan, Alicia and Cook.)

A picture of a time when everything was changing:

(The day before Jon went to the ARMY and became a complete asshole.)

A picture that makes you smile:

(I fucking adore this little girl. She's my princess. Zamieraaa <3 )

A picture of the best day (or night) of your life:

(Sharks game with Kyle. I fucking love that boy.)


*EDIT*
Me and Kyle are all better. Thank God. I was gonna go crazy :]]

Lyrics from When You're Mad;;
"Could it be the little wrinkle over your nose, when you make your angry face...
That makes me wanna just take off all your clothes and sex you all over the place.
Could it be the little way you storm around that makes me wanna tear you down,
Baby I ain't sure but one thing I do know is..
Everytime you scream at me, I wanna kiss you.
Baby when you put your hands on me, I wanna touch you.
And when we get to arguing, just gotta kiss you.
Baby I don't know why it's like that but you're just so damn sexy when you're mad."

Soo, Alicia is mad at mee. For forgiving/apologizing to Kyle. But Tuesdays/Thursdays I have to be out of my house from 6-10pm because Michelle comes to dinner and I'm not allowed to be around her. So Alicia didn't hit me up ALL DAY yesterday, and I didn't have anything to do. So I called Kyle to tell him I miss him and I was sitting at this park that's hella hidden that I took Kyle to on Valentines Day and he was upset that I was there by myself cause when we went together there were these like sketchy guys doing drugs because no cops ever go around there because it's hella secluded.. so he wanted to come get me. So he camee and we walked around the lake and shit and he was being really sweet and Alicia came to my house this morning and was hella mad that I had forgiven him. But in order for me to not fall so hard this time I have two side boys: Sean&Randall. Haha. Seaan has been my romeo forEVER but he's in the stupid ARMY like Jon and in Georgia but he gives me lots of attention and talks to me on the phone for like 3 hours every night so when I talk to him I'm not all clingy texting Kyle every two minutes trying to find out where he's at.. and Randall I met in summer school like 5 years ago and he found me on myspace and besides the fact that I can't stand his name... he's soo cool. Haha so Randall is "supposably" taking me to the movies tomorrow, but he's been saying that for three days and "mysteriously" never gets my text messages later that night haha. But Kyle is still my number onee, I'm hoping he will want to be my one and only soon, but I'm thinking that's probably not going to happen. He is super allergic to the word girlfriend, anytime I say it he's like "Stacey, we're already in a relatioship. If you're secure with yourself why do you need a title?" And I'm always like "Kyle, if we're already in a relationship why can't I tell people you're my boyfriend?" And then he gets mad and jedi-mind tricks me into saying sorry haha. I'm a pushoverr, but for him onlyyy. Grrr, I always have to want what I can't have, this is so fucking stupiddd.

Lyrics from Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet?;;
"Make your decision, and don't you dare think twice.
Go with your instincts along with some bad advice..
This didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all,
You blame me.. but some of this is still your fault.
I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge.
I tried to hold your hand, but you'd rather hold your grudge.
I think you know what I'm getting at..
You said goodbye, and I just don't want you regretting that.
No, I don't hate you.. don't wanna fight you.
You know I'll always love you, but right now I just don't like you.."

Posting, again. Haha. I like this, I like knowing that people can't read what I'm writing and I can just be a thousand percent honest. Like how good of a day I had with Kyle, but how I always hate when he leaves. If I were to tell him that he would probably think I'm clinging.. Or if I told Alicia that she would say that I love him, and then she would tell him haha.. And if I told Michelle she would somehow turn it into how she feels about her boyfriend.. So I like just being able to say that I like him. Today was pefecttt. He wore his stupid chain from his stupid ex girlfriend again, GOD that's annoying. Then he said something about the pictures of a bunch of guys in my room.. so after he left I took them all down, besides the ones of Jon.. just because I didn't even think about it, I wouldn't like it if he had pictures of him and his ex in his room.. Egh, Michelle had a good birthday though, and I bought her Sharks tickets so she could come to the game next week with us with her boyfriend.. now I'm super broke. I realllllly need my tax refund.

Lyrics from Heels Over Head;;
"I got a first class ticket to a night all alone,
And a front row seat up right by the phone..
Cause you're always on my mind, and I'm running out of time..
I've got your hair on my pillow and your smell in my sheets,
And it makes me think about you with the sand in your feet.
Is it all you thought it'd be? You mean everything to me..
But I'm the first to fall and the last to know, where'd you go?
Now I'm heels over head, I'm hanging upside down..
Thinking how you left me for dead, California bound.
And when you hit the coast.. I hope you think of me.
And how I'm stuck here with the gost of what we used to be.."

Well, I've been fighting with my dad constantly, which rarely happens. He wants to move to Fremont (45 minutes from Redwood City) and I don't want to go. So now he's mad because last year I was begging to move there. Uhm yeah, when I was with Jason. When I wasn't talking to Alicia. When I wasn't in school. When I could transfer jobs to a YMCA there. When Jon hadn't even considered going to the ARMY. Now though, now it's different. And now he says it's my fault for choosing where to live because of a boy. Well that's probably true, but then he shouldn't be looking there because I said that's what I wanted then: DUH. I'm so frustrated. Now we have to be out of our house in less than 3 weeks and I don't know where I'm going. I got in a fight with Andy last night, he thinks I'm being spoiled. Kyle got mad at me too, he thinks I'm overreacting. I don't even care. I want to be here, with Alicia and Zamiera and my sister and Kyle and finish school and get a job and do something, I don't want to move far away. Grrr. So now I'm like living on Craigslist looking for jobs, apartments, furniture, and a car (Because my dad says if I don't live with him he's taking mine away.) I'm going to go crazy, I seriously think I'm going to. And we went to go bowling last night and my sister was gonna watch the baby and like right when we got to the bowling alley Michelle calls and said Zamiera was throwing up ALL OVER, so we had to go back and get her.. and Dylan said we can go next weekend, but then Jon is coming back from the ARMY. I am sooo not having a good weekend, Kyle's birthday is in two days and now he won't talk to me over something stupid - this shit is ridiculous.

Lyrics from Up Whatever It Takes;;
"She said 'If we're gonna make this work,
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts.
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see..'
She said 'Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be,
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me.'
I'll do whatever it takes, to turn this around..
I know what's at stake, I know that I've let you down.
And if you give me a chance, and give me a break..
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better.
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt?
That I'd be lost without you, and never find myself..
Let's hold on to each other, above everything else..
Start over, start over.. I'll do whatever it takes."

Yaay. Things I'm looking forward to:

Kyle's birthday;; 5 days.
Michelle's birthday;; 7 days.
Jon comes home from Missouri;; 8 days.
Jon's birthday;; 13 days.
Sharks vrs. Predators game;; 14 days.

But anyways: More drama. Ryan got back together with his ex girlfriend who hates me, so no more hanging out with him like ever. Plus he was complaining about how much Alicia texts him and stuff, so even though I'm happy he's not into her at least she wouldn't make him not hang out with me.. Grr. Kyle's good though, I feel like we're getting somewhere.. but usually whenever I start feeling like that he leaves haha. Hella excited Jon comes home soon... And I'm going extreme bowling (with spotlights and music and stuff) Saturday night with my old supervisor and her son Dylan (me, him & Paul were best friends before they got psycho girlfriends and stopped talking to me last year) and Alicia and a couple of the people I used to work with, how we used to before Alicia had Zamiera.. I can't wait! :] This whole thing with my guy friends getting girlfriends though and ditching me until they're gone isn't gonna keep happening though. Dylan is different because part of it was my fault, but Ryan and Paul are seriously stupid if they think I will keep being there when their stupid girlfriends fuck them over. Cause I won't be.

Lyrics from Complicated;;
"You come over unannounced.. Dressed up, like you're something else.
Where you are, ain't where it's at, you see.. You're making me,
Laugh out when you strike your pose, take off all your preppy clothes.
You know you're not fooling anyone when you become..
Somebody else, round everyone else..
You're watching your back, like you can't relax.
You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me..
Tell me, why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?"

Yay I got my unemployment check today! :] But the stupid bank is closed utnil Monday, and then my phone bill is due and I need gas and to get my oil changed and I haven't been shopping in it feels like forever haha. Talked to Jon today, he comes back on March 13th but he only gets to stay for 10 days and he has to work the whole time as a recruiter.. LAME. Sharks lost, but Kyle is in a good mood.. weird. He even texted me first and told me he misses me.. haha still don't know what's up for the Sharks game though. I asked Ryan if he wanted to go and he said that he did and his birthday is in April and I said it would be like his birthday thing instead.. and who knows how many more times Kyle will bounce before the game. And I asked Jon if him and Scott Spicer wanted to come, but I guess Jon has a girlfriend now and will be busy the two weeks he is back.. lamee but I cleaned out my hallway closet today.. we had medicine in there that expired in 2002.. EW. An offer was made on my house yesterday, they only offered $640,000 when our house is being offered at $739,000... trippin'. But my parents countered anyways and said $710,000 cash ONLY and it's theres... so I will know by Monday if we go back into ESCROW or whatever. Hmm, still waiting for my tax rebate, can't wait until I have hellla money again. :]

Lyrics from Be Good To Me;;
"Everyday it's getting worse, do the same things and it hurts..
I don't know if I should cry.. all I know is that I'm trying.
I wanna believe in you, I wanna believe in you, but you make it so hard to do.
What's the point of making plans? You break all the ones we have..
I don't know where we went wrong, cause we used to be so strong.
I wanna believe in you, I wanna believe in you..
So why can't you be, be good to me?
I don't ask for much.. All I want is love, someone to see that's all I need..
Somebody to be, somebody to be, somebody to be good to me."

Alicia dumped Scott Spicer, and since Tommy and Jason are dead FOREVER to me.. and Jon is in the ARMY, I'm guessing this is his last mention in my journal. R.I.P. tag of Scott Spicer, haha. But me and Kyle are good. He's coming over tomorrow to spend time with me :]. Totally cutee. Haha and my boots will be here in 3-5 days!! Yayyy. Loveee my life.

Lyrics from Stay Young;;
"Let's burn our dreams into the skyline..
Tattoo our sweat in tears, forever you and I.
Hold your breath until we cross the sundown,
This is the moment time is racing.. slow it down.
Cause you, a feeling I can't deny..
We are only here for one more night,
So scream it like you mean it.. One more time.
We'll tear down the building..
Come on, come on.. Sing along whoa..
Come on, come on.. Stay young.

I hate Jason. I hate Jon. I hate Scott Spicer. Me and Alicia went to Newark today, to see Jon... but he doesn't want to hang out with us without Jason, and hell fucking no am I going to hang out with Jason. So Alicia tells Scott to make sure Jason isn't invited.. not only is he INVITED.. but Scott fucking tells Jason not to tell me he's coming because I don't want him there, what the hell? So then Jason texts me and is like.. "Be honest Stacey, do you really feel that uncomfortable around me?" And I was like yeahhh... So we got in this huge fight and Jon decides to stay with Jason instead of hang out with us.. I'm so mad. I hate him. But I saw Ricky today, we didn't have "the talk" because Alicia was there too with the baby, and we all went to McDonalds.. but then he got mad at me when he found out we were going to Newark and I told him he couldn't come.. because I thought it would be like Alcia and Scott, and then me and Ricky.. and then Jon.. and Jon is the one I wanted to spend time with, I would have fucking brought him if I had known what was going to happen. So now he's mad. I'm fucking over all of it. At least I dyed my hair today, it's beautifulllll haha, Chocolate Velvet.. it's perfectt. It's really dark brown, I adoreee it.

Lyrics from How Long:
"Why'd you go and break what's already broken?
I try to take a breath but I'm already tokin'..
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him,
How long till this goes away? How long till this goes away?
She said she wants to be friends.. I took a big step back.
She said, she said, she said she's sorry..
With one finger I said fuck that.
I can tell you're lying when your lips move....."

Well, my house didn't sell.. Greatt. Dinner with me and my dad is weird now that we're the only two having it. This is literally the only conversation we had when we were watching the opening credits of Men In Black 2:

Me- Johnny Knoxville's in this movie? I love him.
My dad- I've never heard of him.
Me- Yeah, he's the guy from Jackass.
*Some old man is on the screen*
My dad- Is that him?
Me- No dad, he's cutee.
My dad- Cute and a jackass?
Me- Yeah, he's the whole packagee. :]

And he turned his head and started watching the movie, that was it. Over 20 minutes. Sooo lame. But Jon came home Friday, me and Alicia went to Newark to see him yesterday.. He was with Scott Spicer and Jason, and Jason was not supposed to be there. But we all hung out, everyone else got drunk.. and everyone that I didn't want to find out about me sleeping with Tommy (Jon & Jason) found out.. lovely. Scott got really drunk, told Jon.. Jon got mad, and told Jason. So I start crying, wanted to leave, so me and Alicia left. Then Jon calls me crying cause Jason just told him that this girl Larissa Jon had sex with before he went to the ARMY is pregnant.. So I went back, and Alicia freaked out at Scott for telling my business.. Jon was crying but at the same time really mad that I didn't tell him, and Jason wouldn't talk to me. So we went to the pool hall and Scott told me that Jason told him that I took advantage of him when he was drunk last weekend, uhhh hell fucking no I did fucking not. I was pissed. And THEN he tells me that Tommy said I was the one instigating shit in Santa Cruz... funny how he got that impression by me saying NO I don't WANT to have sex.. and STOP you have a GIRLFRIEND.. But whatever. I hate the male species. But Ricky wants to be my boyfriend, and we're supposed to have a serious talk about it sometime this week, I dunno. I'm not in the right mind frame to make decisions. I can't hurt Ricky, I won't hurt him. He's the only person who's ever loved me unconditionally besides Alicia and my family. He's the only person who has stayed by my side through every mistake.. He rode to my house on his bike in the rain the first time Andy broke my heart and listened to me tell the same story for three hours while we sat on my porch.. He's done everything in the world for me, he got out of jail.. told me he thinks he's in love with me.. I go to Santa Cruz.. have sex with Tommy.. and Ricky is being the nicest about it. Telling me he knows how good of a person I know, how sometimes smart people do dumb things.. He never yelled at me, never made me feel worse about what I did, he supported me and my stupid decision.. he loves me, I can't hurt him. So I don't think I can be his girlfriend.. ever. I love him to much, and I don't know if that makes sense or not.. but it does to me. I can't ever lose him, and if something were to ever happen I couldn't take that chance.. It's not better to have loved and lost than to have neverloved at all because he's one of my best friends.. So obviously, I'm completely confused.. I don't know what to do.. lameee.

Lyrics from Forever:
"I said you'd never catch me in the corner of my room,
Gazing at a picture of you..
Now that all don't mean nothing,
Cause everytime I think about thinking, girl I'm thinking of you.
And forever, for the rest of my life..
Through it all girl, I'll be right by your side.
I'll give my heart baby, I'll give you my mind.
I'll be the one that brings the joy to your life.
And if you're willing girl, just give me the chance..
And I promise I will be a good man.
And forever, for the rest of my life.. I'll be right by your side."

Hmm only two more days until I know for suree what the deal on my house is and 3 more days until Jon comes home. Friday night was cool, me and Alicia drove to Newark and stalked her boyfriend haha.. then Saturday we went over with the baby and played this new board game I bought called Pass Out.. Which we all did haha. Alicia and Scott Spicer in the chair and me and Jason on the couch. Plus me and Jason kissed, like a lot.. I feel so comfortable with him, dating him would be good.. but I slept with his best friend and now it's ruined haha. Ricky asked me out... over myspace comments.. Kinda freaked me out, he's been my best friend since we were little, now it's all these like random awkward moments that I don't like... Jon would never pull something like this on me, I need him back haha. And my old old boyfriend (like from Summer School '03) hit me up on myspace.. supposed to go to lunch with him next Monday, we'll seeee...

Lyrics from I'm Not Anybody's Girl:
"Wasted to much time on analyzing everything I do..
Only to figure out that I was wasting time on you..
I don't really blame you baby I'm a little guilty too,
Cause I never even told you you were wrong.
And if you think that you gotta control me just to be a man,
Then baby you will never understand..
I'm not anybody's girl and I will not belong,
And there's nothing you can do for me that I can't do on my own..
I'm not anybody's girl and that's just the way it is,
And I will do exactly what I want to do with anyone and anywhere I choose."

Well here we are againnn. Bored, bored, bored. Haha, but I got to hang out with Alicia today.. started to file eviction papers to get her baby daddy out of her house.. Drama with Jason / Scott Spicer though, but we're all supposed to be hanging out sometime this weekend. Haven't talked to Ricky today though, weird.. Anyways, 8 days until Jon comes back.. 7 days until I find out the status of my house. My Christmas shopping is practically done though. Me and Alicia went to Longs and made 6 calanders for people, so I just gotta pick them up tomorrow and wrap them and I'm good. But Alicia just went to work and now I have nothing to do.. I got a parking ticket yesterday, I need to pay that off.. And I still need to go to baby's R Us and buy Zamiera some stuff for Christmas.. I wanna get my car detailed too, which is gonna cost like $100 so I wanna do it while I still have money.. But I don't really need to do anything else except my laundry, and get all the shit out of my car.. I should make a list haha, I think I'm gonna start some of it now.. I'm THAT bored.

Lyrics from Disappear:
I'm trapped in a world that I can't take..
Where everything's unrealistic and fake.
I'm hiding out and planning my escape,
I hope I'm not the only one..
Please come, and rescue me tonight.
I just wish that I could disappear..
Someone take me far away from here.

Well being unemployed gives me time to write it heree, yay. Haha, I hung out with Ricky all day.. Filed for unemployment, got a bunch of job applications for him, and went to his probation officer meeting. His P.O. thinks I'm his girlfriend, Ricky thinks it will keep him out of troublee.. I think him not sleeping with 16 year old will keep him out of trouble, but I'm his pretend girlfriend anyways. We went and saw Twilight and Role Models yesterday! Haha, I've seen Twilight like 5 times in 3 weeks, ridiculous much? Me and Alicia just saw it again on Sunday but I don't care. Then me and Jason were talking about going to see it with Alicia and Scott Spicer this weekend, but we'll see. I'm a little sketch about the Jason thing just because I used to have intense feelings for him.. I don't want those to come back, I like it when we're friends. Jon comes home in 9 days!!! I'm super excited. Plus I find out what happens with my house in 8. Hopefully we'll get out of here and I won't have to worry about getting a new job or how I fucked up about the school thing.. but I guess we'll see.

Lyrics from Rock Bottom:
"When this life makes you mad enough to kill..
That's rock bottom.
When you want something bad enough to steal..
That's rock bottom.
When you feel like you've had it up to here,
Cause you're mad enough to scream but you're sad enough to tear..
That's rock bottom."