Confessions

Jason hit me up, I figured he would when Jon told me he was getting out of jail.. He told me that he hopes I'm doing good and he just wanted to let me know he's out and that he hopes I have a good birthday.. Random. But Kyle hasn't talked to me since the talk we had, so who knows. I'm going to Reno in 11 hours. My whole life might have possibly changed by the time I write in here again. I could possibly be a kajillionaire! hahaha. I miss Kyle though, for real. Even though I swear I'm done. Even though I say I don't care. Even though I say he's just another guy and I like all these others guys. Kyle's really it. I can't picture myself without him, I'm not sure if there is a me anymore without him..

Lyrics from Here We Go Again;;
"I throw all of your stuff away, and then I clear you out of my head..
I tear you out of my heart, and ignore all your messages..
I tell everyone we are through, cause I'm so much better without you..
But it's just another pretty lie, cause I break down everytime you come around.
So how did you get here under my skin? I swore that I'd never let you back in..
I should've known better, than trying to let you go.. cause here we go again.
As hard as I try I know I can't quit, something about you is so addictive..
We're falling together, you think that by now I'd know..
Cause here we go, go, go again.
You never know what you want, and you never say what you mean..
But I start to go insane, everytime that you look at me.
You only hear half of what I say, and you're only showing up too late..
And I know that I should say goodbye, but it's no use..
I can't be with or without you.."

First off, I'm no longer mentioning..... the boy I used to care somewhat about. Because I don't care about him anymore. Alicia thinks I'm lying, but I'm not. I have completely shut off any feeling what-so-ever for him, so his tag can rest in fucking peace, I will not be speaking of him again. And I'll take one out of retirement, remember Jason? He's been rotting in jail for like 9 months, since I started dating he-who-must-not-be-spoken-of, but he's getting out the 14th. Jon was telling me today on the phone that Jason is all "super-religious" now, and doesn't want to be around drinking, smoking, or drug use.. hah! Jason? That's funny. What's Jason without his coke and alcohol? I wouldn't have any idea, that's how I always saw him. But I guess it's cool he wants to change, I used to care about him.. that gives me a little bit of hope over my current boy-dillema. There was a time I didn't think I've feel for someone what I felt for Jason, and two weeks after Jason was locked up I was cool.. So I'm just fine. One more week until Reno, but until then my life is lacking some serious entertainment. I've read so many books and watched so many DVD's this week.. it's crazy. The cable guy comes tomorrow though, I'll have TV back!! I do need a new boy though, it would help a lot more to have someone occupying my time and my thoughts. Maybe I can trick the feelings for that one guy into just disappearing once and for all :] haha I wish.

Lyrics from Best Days Of Your Life;;
"Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind,
From the day we met.. to you making me cry.
And it's just too bad you've already had..
The best days, the best days of your life.
Ain't it a shame? A shame that everytime you hear my name..
Brought up in a casual conversation, you can't think straight.
And ain't it sad? You can't forget about what we had..
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me?"

Well, I've been fighting with my dad constantly, which rarely happens. He wants to move to Fremont (45 minutes from Redwood City) and I don't want to go. So now he's mad because last year I was begging to move there. Uhm yeah, when I was with Jason. When I wasn't talking to Alicia. When I wasn't in school. When I could transfer jobs to a YMCA there. When Jon hadn't even considered going to the ARMY. Now though, now it's different. And now he says it's my fault for choosing where to live because of a boy. Well that's probably true, but then he shouldn't be looking there because I said that's what I wanted then: DUH. I'm so frustrated. Now we have to be out of our house in less than 3 weeks and I don't know where I'm going. I got in a fight with Andy last night, he thinks I'm being spoiled. Kyle got mad at me too, he thinks I'm overreacting. I don't even care. I want to be here, with Alicia and Zamiera and my sister and Kyle and finish school and get a job and do something, I don't want to move far away. Grrr. So now I'm like living on Craigslist looking for jobs, apartments, furniture, and a car (Because my dad says if I don't live with him he's taking mine away.) I'm going to go crazy, I seriously think I'm going to. And we went to go bowling last night and my sister was gonna watch the baby and like right when we got to the bowling alley Michelle calls and said Zamiera was throwing up ALL OVER, so we had to go back and get her.. and Dylan said we can go next weekend, but then Jon is coming back from the ARMY. I am sooo not having a good weekend, Kyle's birthday is in two days and now he won't talk to me over something stupid - this shit is ridiculous.

Lyrics from Up Whatever It Takes;;
"She said 'If we're gonna make this work,
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts.
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see..'
She said 'Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be,
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me.'
I'll do whatever it takes, to turn this around..
I know what's at stake, I know that I've let you down.
And if you give me a chance, and give me a break..
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better.
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt?
That I'd be lost without you, and never find myself..
Let's hold on to each other, above everything else..
Start over, start over.. I'll do whatever it takes."

Haven't used this because I was mad about my iTunes, but I restored the computer and it's all back! Yayyy. :] Okay soo, Last month I was mad at Alicia because I had heard that she was talking to Chris Spencer.. and on Sunday we went to Newark to deal with Jason/Scott Spicer drama and her phone started vibrating.. and it was Chris Spencer.. WHAT THE HELL? I don't understand. I guess he got her number from Paul, and Paul wants to be my best friend again after completely ignoring me since November. And Paul was the one who hooked me up with Chris Spencer, WHY IS HE HOOKING HIM UP WITH ALICIA NOW?? Grr. And when I asked Alicia about it, she was all like: You have Kyle. Uhm, soo? I'm so frusterated. Then not only that, Jason was texting Alicia too.. JASON. When we were in Newark her and Jason were TEXTING. She said he wanted my new number, but I don't believe her.. because she has a palm centro and it shows the whole conversation.. and I didn't see my name ANYWHERE in it. But I guess I should just let her do what she wants, I do sort of have Kyle.. I had sex with him three days ago.. He swears it won't change anything, but I already feel like it has. And I have been talking to Andy, just because he's the only person who really listens. Which is weird, but as mad as I get at him.. and as much as I hate him sometimes, he's the only person I feel I can run to when shit gets bad, and he really is ALWAYS there. He listens about Alicia, and about my family, and about school, and even about Kyle. He might have alterior motives or whatever, but I really just needed him to be my friend, I like Kyle.. I don't feel like he's using me for ANYTHING, it's just scary when I'm not 1000% sure.. But besides the Alicia drama I'm good, just waiting for my stupid house to sell, grrrr.

Lyrics from Come One, Come All;;
"Come one, come all..
You're just in time to witness my first breakdown.
Cause there's a mile gone for every minute passed when I'm stuck in this town.
Don't call the doctors, I don't need no medication..
I just need one more vacation, and make it last.."

So I'm not sure what happened in the past couple days, but I've lost faith in Kyle completely. Me and Alicia went to see him at 1:30 today at work.. his boss was there, so we waited. We went to the resteraunt next door at 2:15.. he said he was going on break soon, so we waited some more. Finally at 4 I texted him, giving up completely. I drank so much free soda and ate so many free tortilla chips.. Lame. And I totally blew off Terry for this, and for whatever reason Terry hella likes me. Last night he was talking about already being serious and shit.. now I feel like I'm gonna regret chasing after Kyle.. like he's just another Jason. This is fucking STUPID. But of course.. Being me, I'm probably gonna keep holding on to the wrong guy until the decent guy is gone for good.. this sucks.

Lyrics from The Girl's A Straight-Up Hustler;;
"I'm sick and tired of writing songs about you,
This is it.. this is the end..
Take off your makeup, and put down the camera..
Choke on the drama that makes me want to tear up the pictures,
The pages you've saved.. Creating a life of trends and make believe.
She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets,
Get out while you can.. or she'll tear you to pieces..."

Alicia dumped Scott Spicer, and since Tommy and Jason are dead FOREVER to me.. and Jon is in the ARMY, I'm guessing this is his last mention in my journal. R.I.P. tag of Scott Spicer, haha. But me and Kyle are good. He's coming over tomorrow to spend time with me :]. Totally cutee. Haha and my boots will be here in 3-5 days!! Yayyy. Loveee my life.

Lyrics from Stay Young;;
"Let's burn our dreams into the skyline..
Tattoo our sweat in tears, forever you and I.
Hold your breath until we cross the sundown,
This is the moment time is racing.. slow it down.
Cause you, a feeling I can't deny..
We are only here for one more night,
So scream it like you mean it.. One more time.
We'll tear down the building..
Come on, come on.. Sing along whoa..
Come on, come on.. Stay young.

I hate Jason. I hate Jon. I hate Scott Spicer. Me and Alicia went to Newark today, to see Jon... but he doesn't want to hang out with us without Jason, and hell fucking no am I going to hang out with Jason. So Alicia tells Scott to make sure Jason isn't invited.. not only is he INVITED.. but Scott fucking tells Jason not to tell me he's coming because I don't want him there, what the hell? So then Jason texts me and is like.. "Be honest Stacey, do you really feel that uncomfortable around me?" And I was like yeahhh... So we got in this huge fight and Jon decides to stay with Jason instead of hang out with us.. I'm so mad. I hate him. But I saw Ricky today, we didn't have "the talk" because Alicia was there too with the baby, and we all went to McDonalds.. but then he got mad at me when he found out we were going to Newark and I told him he couldn't come.. because I thought it would be like Alcia and Scott, and then me and Ricky.. and then Jon.. and Jon is the one I wanted to spend time with, I would have fucking brought him if I had known what was going to happen. So now he's mad. I'm fucking over all of it. At least I dyed my hair today, it's beautifulllll haha, Chocolate Velvet.. it's perfectt. It's really dark brown, I adoreee it.

Lyrics from How Long:
"Why'd you go and break what's already broken?
I try to take a breath but I'm already tokin'..
Cause everywhere I look I can see how you hold him,
How long till this goes away? How long till this goes away?
She said she wants to be friends.. I took a big step back.
She said, she said, she said she's sorry..
With one finger I said fuck that.
I can tell you're lying when your lips move....."

Well, my house didn't sell.. Greatt. Dinner with me and my dad is weird now that we're the only two having it. This is literally the only conversation we had when we were watching the opening credits of Men In Black 2:

Me- Johnny Knoxville's in this movie? I love him.
My dad- I've never heard of him.
Me- Yeah, he's the guy from Jackass.
*Some old man is on the screen*
My dad- Is that him?
Me- No dad, he's cutee.
My dad- Cute and a jackass?
Me- Yeah, he's the whole packagee. :]

And he turned his head and started watching the movie, that was it. Over 20 minutes. Sooo lame. But Jon came home Friday, me and Alicia went to Newark to see him yesterday.. He was with Scott Spicer and Jason, and Jason was not supposed to be there. But we all hung out, everyone else got drunk.. and everyone that I didn't want to find out about me sleeping with Tommy (Jon & Jason) found out.. lovely. Scott got really drunk, told Jon.. Jon got mad, and told Jason. So I start crying, wanted to leave, so me and Alicia left. Then Jon calls me crying cause Jason just told him that this girl Larissa Jon had sex with before he went to the ARMY is pregnant.. So I went back, and Alicia freaked out at Scott for telling my business.. Jon was crying but at the same time really mad that I didn't tell him, and Jason wouldn't talk to me. So we went to the pool hall and Scott told me that Jason told him that I took advantage of him when he was drunk last weekend, uhhh hell fucking no I did fucking not. I was pissed. And THEN he tells me that Tommy said I was the one instigating shit in Santa Cruz... funny how he got that impression by me saying NO I don't WANT to have sex.. and STOP you have a GIRLFRIEND.. But whatever. I hate the male species. But Ricky wants to be my boyfriend, and we're supposed to have a serious talk about it sometime this week, I dunno. I'm not in the right mind frame to make decisions. I can't hurt Ricky, I won't hurt him. He's the only person who's ever loved me unconditionally besides Alicia and my family. He's the only person who has stayed by my side through every mistake.. He rode to my house on his bike in the rain the first time Andy broke my heart and listened to me tell the same story for three hours while we sat on my porch.. He's done everything in the world for me, he got out of jail.. told me he thinks he's in love with me.. I go to Santa Cruz.. have sex with Tommy.. and Ricky is being the nicest about it. Telling me he knows how good of a person I know, how sometimes smart people do dumb things.. He never yelled at me, never made me feel worse about what I did, he supported me and my stupid decision.. he loves me, I can't hurt him. So I don't think I can be his girlfriend.. ever. I love him to much, and I don't know if that makes sense or not.. but it does to me. I can't ever lose him, and if something were to ever happen I couldn't take that chance.. It's not better to have loved and lost than to have neverloved at all because he's one of my best friends.. So obviously, I'm completely confused.. I don't know what to do.. lameee.

Lyrics from Forever:
"I said you'd never catch me in the corner of my room,
Gazing at a picture of you..
Now that all don't mean nothing,
Cause everytime I think about thinking, girl I'm thinking of you.
And forever, for the rest of my life..
Through it all girl, I'll be right by your side.
I'll give my heart baby, I'll give you my mind.
I'll be the one that brings the joy to your life.
And if you're willing girl, just give me the chance..
And I promise I will be a good man.
And forever, for the rest of my life.. I'll be right by your side."

Hmm only two more days until I know for suree what the deal on my house is and 3 more days until Jon comes home. Friday night was cool, me and Alicia drove to Newark and stalked her boyfriend haha.. then Saturday we went over with the baby and played this new board game I bought called Pass Out.. Which we all did haha. Alicia and Scott Spicer in the chair and me and Jason on the couch. Plus me and Jason kissed, like a lot.. I feel so comfortable with him, dating him would be good.. but I slept with his best friend and now it's ruined haha. Ricky asked me out... over myspace comments.. Kinda freaked me out, he's been my best friend since we were little, now it's all these like random awkward moments that I don't like... Jon would never pull something like this on me, I need him back haha. And my old old boyfriend (like from Summer School '03) hit me up on myspace.. supposed to go to lunch with him next Monday, we'll seeee...

Lyrics from I'm Not Anybody's Girl:
"Wasted to much time on analyzing everything I do..
Only to figure out that I was wasting time on you..
I don't really blame you baby I'm a little guilty too,
Cause I never even told you you were wrong.
And if you think that you gotta control me just to be a man,
Then baby you will never understand..
I'm not anybody's girl and I will not belong,
And there's nothing you can do for me that I can't do on my own..
I'm not anybody's girl and that's just the way it is,
And I will do exactly what I want to do with anyone and anywhere I choose."

Well here we are againnn. Bored, bored, bored. Haha, but I got to hang out with Alicia today.. started to file eviction papers to get her baby daddy out of her house.. Drama with Jason / Scott Spicer though, but we're all supposed to be hanging out sometime this weekend. Haven't talked to Ricky today though, weird.. Anyways, 8 days until Jon comes back.. 7 days until I find out the status of my house. My Christmas shopping is practically done though. Me and Alicia went to Longs and made 6 calanders for people, so I just gotta pick them up tomorrow and wrap them and I'm good. But Alicia just went to work and now I have nothing to do.. I got a parking ticket yesterday, I need to pay that off.. And I still need to go to baby's R Us and buy Zamiera some stuff for Christmas.. I wanna get my car detailed too, which is gonna cost like $100 so I wanna do it while I still have money.. But I don't really need to do anything else except my laundry, and get all the shit out of my car.. I should make a list haha, I think I'm gonna start some of it now.. I'm THAT bored.

Lyrics from Disappear:
I'm trapped in a world that I can't take..
Where everything's unrealistic and fake.
I'm hiding out and planning my escape,
I hope I'm not the only one..
Please come, and rescue me tonight.
I just wish that I could disappear..
Someone take me far away from here.

Well being unemployed gives me time to write it heree, yay. Haha, I hung out with Ricky all day.. Filed for unemployment, got a bunch of job applications for him, and went to his probation officer meeting. His P.O. thinks I'm his girlfriend, Ricky thinks it will keep him out of troublee.. I think him not sleeping with 16 year old will keep him out of trouble, but I'm his pretend girlfriend anyways. We went and saw Twilight and Role Models yesterday! Haha, I've seen Twilight like 5 times in 3 weeks, ridiculous much? Me and Alicia just saw it again on Sunday but I don't care. Then me and Jason were talking about going to see it with Alicia and Scott Spicer this weekend, but we'll see. I'm a little sketch about the Jason thing just because I used to have intense feelings for him.. I don't want those to come back, I like it when we're friends. Jon comes home in 9 days!!! I'm super excited. Plus I find out what happens with my house in 8. Hopefully we'll get out of here and I won't have to worry about getting a new job or how I fucked up about the school thing.. but I guess we'll see.

Lyrics from Rock Bottom:
"When this life makes you mad enough to kill..
That's rock bottom.
When you want something bad enough to steal..
That's rock bottom.
When you feel like you've had it up to here,
Cause you're mad enough to scream but you're sad enough to tear..
That's rock bottom."

Well;; So much has changed and I don't know where to start.. #1. I got fired, last week. It's whatever. #2. I went on vacation with Alicia to Santa Cruz, had a one night stand.. not good. #3. The one night stand wasn't with a complete stranger, I've mentioned him before like oncee.. but I've only met him once: Tommy. Best friends with Jason. Eww. Not good. #4. Me and Jason are really good friends now, he has no idea I had sex with Tommy on Thursday.. Hopefully he never will. #5. My house is in Escrow period or whatever.. On the 18th I will know for sure whether we are moving or not. #6. Ricky is out of jail. :]] #7. My sister moved out of my house, now it's just me and my dad in a 6 bedroom, haha and he never comes home. #8. Jon comes home for his ARMY break on the 19th!! #9. I fucked up my school shit and they won't reinstate me, but I thought they would so I already told my dad I was set.. now I don't know what to do. #10. I think that's it haha. All my pictures are up on my myspacee if anyone wants to see them. You don't have to be my friend and/or signed up for myspace.. www.myspace.com/staygal... and then click my picture and it's the folder that says Santa Cruz.. duh haha.

Lyrics from Single Again:
"I'm single again, back on the prowl..
I thought he was perfect, I don't know how..
Hold up, wait a God damn minute.. It ain't over until I say we finished.
Till I get my half, then I sit back, relax, and just laugh..
At the times we shared.. Like flying over B-More high in the G4.
Smoking on Cali Bud, that's how a real G show a bitch Cali love..
Sex in the cock pit, no love.. I was just another object.."

Well, I'm starting to think this whole Chris thing is a lot like the whole Jason thing. Except that Chris isn't a drug dealer, didn't use me for money, or lie to try to get me to sleep with him. I just think I like him more than he likes me.. I know he's supposably sick, I know he can't hang out with me if he really does have the flu, but he won't text me back. It just sucks, I really like him.. and I want him to like me. And now Alicia wants me to stop texting him and wait and see if he cares enough to text me. But it was easier letting go of Jason, because I at least knew he was a bad guy.. Chris is amazing, and I just want to talk to him.. all the time, this sucks.

Lyrics from Hot N Cold:
"You change your mind, like a girl changes clothes.
Yeah you PMS like a bitch, I would know..
And you over think, always speak.. cryptically..
I should know that you're no good for me..
Cause you're hot then you're cold. You're yes then you're no.
You're in then you're out, you're up then you're down.
You're wrong when it's right.. it's black and it's white..
We fight, we break up. We kiss, we make up"

Well, I'm really bad at this whole no boys.. keeping the same boys thing. So now I have two new ones: 1.) Chris AKA Lifeguard: He works at my work, I think he's really hot, he is in training to become a firefighter.. My friend Paul totally hooked it up, now we're talking. 2.) Tommy: Jason's best friend.. yes, that Jason. But now that Alicia is with Scott Spicer.. I need a Newark boy, so Jon gave him my number and I've been texting Tommy like off the hook. He's coming to see me at work tomorrow, we'll see how this goes. :]

Lyrics from Lookin' For A Good Time:
"Go ahead and lie to me and pull me close.
Tell me that you love me, even if you don't.
The rule is don'e you ever even talk about forever,
But you never say never in life..

Haha, well a couple days later.. but short story: There was no party. Jason was there, with my friends, in my car, all around me. We drove to San Jose, drove back. Went to In-N-Out.. Jason and Jon got in a fistfight. Alicia kissed Scott Spicer. Everyone was drunk, but me of course. We had a good time. Me and Alicia picked out our Halloween costumes, we're all set. Tattoos supposably this Sunday. And Alicia's having a party Friday night, everyone's invited. Hopefully we'll all still be friends by the end of the night this time. What else? I dyed Alyssa's hair last night, I love itt.

Lyrics from The Rock Show:
"I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.
She said "what?" and I told her that I didn't know..
She's so cool, gonna sneak in through her window..
Everything's better when she's around,
I can't wait till her parents go out of town..
I fell in love with the girl at the rock show."