Confessions

Fighting with Andy daily.
He wants to get back together, and I don't.
Why is that a fucking problem? I'm not leading him on this time.
I don't know what to do.
Teddy went to Santa Barbara for Halloween..
I don't know if I'm gonna hang out with him anymore though.
My cars brakes failed Saturday night,
so I haven't had a car.. major bummer.
But me and Megan hung out with Terry, that was awkward.
Now he's hitting me up non-stop. But it's not like that for me.
Ughh, I'm just over talking to boys.
It's not going to work, so I'm not going to bother.
I quit school :( && I can't find a job. Life is sucky.
But it's okay.. everything will get better.
Can't go anywhere but up?

Lyrics from Self Conclusion;;
>>>"I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough,
And all this cliched motivation.. It could never be enough.
I could stand here all night trying to convince you..
But what good would that do?
My offer stands.. and you must choose."
>>>"Alright, you win. But I only give you one night.
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight.
I swear to God.. if you hurt me, I will leap.
I will toss myself from these very cliffs..
And you will never see it coming."
>>>"Settle precious, I know what you're going through..
Cause ten minutes before you got here.. I was gonna jump too."

Ended up having a one-night stand with Teddy. Well, it was more like a four-day stand cause we hung out four times. I thought I liked him, maybe I wanted to like him, but I don't. I mean, he's totally hot.. and he's smart obviously, and he plays football and we have so much in common and he's probably the greatest guy I've ever met.. but even still, EVEN WHEN I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM, it's just not right. And now I feel bad that I sort of led him on. Yesterday I was with him and he wanted me to spend the night and so I said I'd go back home, get my stuff, and come back.. Then I got home and ignored his texts and never went back. Plus I've talked to Andy for the last three days. Who wants me to move in with him when he moves back to the bay in December.. Ugh, everyone wants me except the person that I want.

Kyle; I don't know where you are. I don't know how you are. I don't know if you're better off. But I just want you to know I've done all this for you. I've made myself miserable just so you'd be okay. So you better fucking be happy, because one of us might as well be.

Lyrics from No Address In The Stars;;
"I stumbled across your picture today, I could barely breathe..
The moment stopped me cold and grabbed me like a theif.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there.
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair..
I just wanted to hear your voice, I just needed to hear your voice.
What do I do with all I need to say?
There's so much I want to tell you everyday..
Oh it breaks my heart, I cry these tears in the dark..
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue..
Cause there's no address in the stars."

Reading Cosmo makes me sad I don't have a boyfriend :( I got the October issue today, (isn't it weird it comes out a whole three and a half weeks before the start of the month??) and it's my first time like EVER being single reading Cosmo. Haha, all the "cheap dates to have with your boyfriend" and "Bad girl sex, to make your boyfriend want you more.." LAME! Plus it was talking about a cheap date being a pumpkin patch date.. I want to carve a pumpkin with a boy!!! I haven't carved a pumpkin since I was small, how cute would that be? I hate Kyle. Not that he would've done it even if we were still together though, he was just lame all together. I was a bitch to Aaron. Completely. Now he won't talk to me, and I don't blame him. I'm just really sad about this Cosmo thing haha. Megan Fox is on the cover, she has only had sex with 5 or less guys! That's amazing to me. I mean I'm only at 3 and I'm 21.. but I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20. And she lost hers at 17 ... so for like 7 years she can count the number of guys she's slept with on one hand. This sucks. Because I'm definitely not having sex with Andy or Tommy again, and probably not Kyle.. so there is a very good chance I'll be at #4 or #5 before the end of the year. I just want a stupid boyfriend :( ughh!

Lyrics from Kiss A Girl;;
"To kiss and tell, it's just not my style..
But the night is young, and it's been awhile.
And she broke my heart, broke it right in two.
And it took some time, but I'm feeling like I'm finally ready too..
Find somebody new.
I wanna kiss a girl, I wanna hold her tight..
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight.
Don't wanna go to far, just to take it slow..
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big old world, I wanna kiss a girl."

Got this from this girl's bulletin off of myspace.
But reallllly didn't want to post it back on there,
And have all my stupid friends make fun of me haha.

A picture of you in your room:

(In my playboy chair, that's the only picture of me EVER in my room haha)

A picture of you feeling very energetic:

(Twisterrrr! I love Twister, and Alicia haha.)

A picture of you on your birthday:

(Me and my birthday cake my daddy made me on my 19th birthday)

The youngest picture of yourself you can find in digital form:

(Me on my sixteenth birthday, I cut my mom out, that was mean :/ )

A picture of you in one of your favorite outfits:

(Such a whorey picture haha! But it's my favorite skirt EVER.)

A picture of you making a goofy face at the camera:

(Doesn't get goofier than that.)

A picture of you in a team or club you were in:

(Michelle, me and Alicia made our own club in high school, lameeee.)

A picture of a day or night you regret:

(Andrew was definately my biggest regret, ever so ANY day with him.)

A picture of the real you:

(Me. Eating. Like fucking always. hahaha. I love food :] )

The most recent picture of you:

(At the beach, the other day <33 )

A picture of you being absolutely ridiculous:

(Haaha my step sister Tammy buried me in the sand and I just wanted pringles.)

A picture of a time in your life that's over, but you wish it wasn't:

(Scott and me. Definately took that boy for fucking granted. Lamee.)

A picture of a time in your life that's over, and you couldn't be more thankful that it is:

(Andy. I'll always care about him, but we were a fucked up couple.)

A picture of you that you had no idea was being taken:

(Hahaha. Alicia was ready. I had no idea what was going on.)

A picture of you when you were a different person than you are now:

(Skateboarding, trying to impress a boy. I wouldn't waste my time now haha.)

A picture of you in a fashion "don't":

(I wouldn't NOT wear sweaters. Ew. It was fucking a thousand degrees.)

A picture of yourself that you hate:

(Me and Alicia at the beach, I don't HATE it.. I just think I look fat. Yuck.)

A picture that describes how you'd like to spend everyday:

(With my best friends. Ryan, Alicia and Cook.)

A picture of a time when everything was changing:

(The day before Jon went to the ARMY and became a complete asshole.)

A picture that makes you smile:

(I fucking adore this little girl. She's my princess. Zamieraaa <3 )

A picture of the best day (or night) of your life:

(Sharks game with Kyle. I fucking love that boy.)


*EDIT*
Me and Kyle are all better. Thank God. I was gonna go crazy :]]

Lyrics from When You're Mad;;
"Could it be the little wrinkle over your nose, when you make your angry face...
That makes me wanna just take off all your clothes and sex you all over the place.
Could it be the little way you storm around that makes me wanna tear you down,
Baby I ain't sure but one thing I do know is..
Everytime you scream at me, I wanna kiss you.
Baby when you put your hands on me, I wanna touch you.
And when we get to arguing, just gotta kiss you.
Baby I don't know why it's like that but you're just so damn sexy when you're mad."

I can't do this anymore. I can't make myself unhappy for someone else, maybe it's not love. This is the worst feeling in the whole world, even worse than I felt breaking up with Andy. Because Kyle counts on me, and I can't be that person for him anymore. I love doing stuff for him, bringing him lunch, buying him clothes, getting him Sharks tickets... but it's gotten to the point where he EXPECTS it, and I'm getting nothing in return.. and I'm not gonna be that girl. But he's getting better, he's happy.. he's been able to somewhat move on from his sucky life, and now I'm abandoning him? He doesn't know yet, obviously. I'll probably be hysterical once he knows.. but I've put him before myself one to many times without him doing nice stuff for me. The movies, the cutee little texts, the hangout nights and lunches/dinners... oooh, those all stopped. So now I'm getting nothing, and giving everything.. So why do I still feel so horrible about leaving him? Because I love him... Because I know he needs me... God this is a fucking fucked up position to be in..

Lyrics from Stay Gone;;
"I found peace of mind, I'm feeling good again..
I'm on the other side, back among the living.
Ain't a cloud in the sky, all my tears have been cried..
And I can finally say..
Baby, baby stay.. Stay right where you are.
I like it this way, it's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this in God knows how long..
I know everything is gonna be okay, if you just stay gone.
I still love you, and I will forever..
We can't hide the truth.. we know each other better.
When we try to make it work, we both end up hurt..
And it ain't supposed to be that way.
So baby, baby stay.. Stay right where you are.
I like it this way, it's good for my heart.
I haven't felt like this in God knows how long..
I know everything is gonna be okay, if you just stay gone."

Well, I've been fighting with my dad constantly, which rarely happens. He wants to move to Fremont (45 minutes from Redwood City) and I don't want to go. So now he's mad because last year I was begging to move there. Uhm yeah, when I was with Jason. When I wasn't talking to Alicia. When I wasn't in school. When I could transfer jobs to a YMCA there. When Jon hadn't even considered going to the ARMY. Now though, now it's different. And now he says it's my fault for choosing where to live because of a boy. Well that's probably true, but then he shouldn't be looking there because I said that's what I wanted then: DUH. I'm so frustrated. Now we have to be out of our house in less than 3 weeks and I don't know where I'm going. I got in a fight with Andy last night, he thinks I'm being spoiled. Kyle got mad at me too, he thinks I'm overreacting. I don't even care. I want to be here, with Alicia and Zamiera and my sister and Kyle and finish school and get a job and do something, I don't want to move far away. Grrr. So now I'm like living on Craigslist looking for jobs, apartments, furniture, and a car (Because my dad says if I don't live with him he's taking mine away.) I'm going to go crazy, I seriously think I'm going to. And we went to go bowling last night and my sister was gonna watch the baby and like right when we got to the bowling alley Michelle calls and said Zamiera was throwing up ALL OVER, so we had to go back and get her.. and Dylan said we can go next weekend, but then Jon is coming back from the ARMY. I am sooo not having a good weekend, Kyle's birthday is in two days and now he won't talk to me over something stupid - this shit is ridiculous.

Lyrics from Up Whatever It Takes;;
"She said 'If we're gonna make this work,
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts.
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see..'
She said 'Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be,
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me.'
I'll do whatever it takes, to turn this around..
I know what's at stake, I know that I've let you down.
And if you give me a chance, and give me a break..
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better.
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt?
That I'd be lost without you, and never find myself..
Let's hold on to each other, above everything else..
Start over, start over.. I'll do whatever it takes."

Well Kyle came over last night, and Michelle showed up and then my dad came home early and he seemed cool with it, even though he basically just wanted to have sex - and then Andy called. I don't know if he's mad about it or not, he doesn't really talk to me about stuff like that but expects me to open up with him. So then he hasn't been texting me and then I got like 16 texts from him all at once, so I guess my phone is fucking up, it's just hard not knowing if he's upset or okay with everything. I know he knows who Andy is, and I wasn't going to lie about it - and I know that if it had been his ex hitting him up I would be hella mad - but Andy is different. I really honestly have NO feelings for him, what so ever. Like Kyle says how he'll always have love for his ex but he'll never get back with her, I won't ever have love for Andy.. He'll always have love for me, and sometimes I like talking to him because I never had to guess how he was feeling, he just straight up tells me how he feels or how he sees things or if I'm acting like a total bitch. He's like the opposite of Kyle. But there is a reason why I dumped Andy and why I want to be with Kyle, because I like Kyle more. I just really hope he's not mad at me, because that would suck. My house sold though!!! :] We have to be out by the 27th though so this weekend we're gonna start getting everything ready and shit, I'm sooo ready for this.. Except we have to stay at my grandpa's house until we find another place to live. Lameee.

Lyrics from Another Used To Be;;
"I used to love someone that I didn't like,
We used to want to break up every other night..
I used to think relationships were a lot of stress,
I used to think that pain was a part of happiness..
But now all that's changed, since you've come my way..
And I don't want us to become another used to be."

Haven't used this because I was mad about my iTunes, but I restored the computer and it's all back! Yayyy. :] Okay soo, Last month I was mad at Alicia because I had heard that she was talking to Chris Spencer.. and on Sunday we went to Newark to deal with Jason/Scott Spicer drama and her phone started vibrating.. and it was Chris Spencer.. WHAT THE HELL? I don't understand. I guess he got her number from Paul, and Paul wants to be my best friend again after completely ignoring me since November. And Paul was the one who hooked me up with Chris Spencer, WHY IS HE HOOKING HIM UP WITH ALICIA NOW?? Grr. And when I asked Alicia about it, she was all like: You have Kyle. Uhm, soo? I'm so frusterated. Then not only that, Jason was texting Alicia too.. JASON. When we were in Newark her and Jason were TEXTING. She said he wanted my new number, but I don't believe her.. because she has a palm centro and it shows the whole conversation.. and I didn't see my name ANYWHERE in it. But I guess I should just let her do what she wants, I do sort of have Kyle.. I had sex with him three days ago.. He swears it won't change anything, but I already feel like it has. And I have been talking to Andy, just because he's the only person who really listens. Which is weird, but as mad as I get at him.. and as much as I hate him sometimes, he's the only person I feel I can run to when shit gets bad, and he really is ALWAYS there. He listens about Alicia, and about my family, and about school, and even about Kyle. He might have alterior motives or whatever, but I really just needed him to be my friend, I like Kyle.. I don't feel like he's using me for ANYTHING, it's just scary when I'm not 1000% sure.. But besides the Alicia drama I'm good, just waiting for my stupid house to sell, grrrr.

Lyrics from Come One, Come All;;
"Come one, come all..
You're just in time to witness my first breakdown.
Cause there's a mile gone for every minute passed when I'm stuck in this town.
Don't call the doctors, I don't need no medication..
I just need one more vacation, and make it last.."

Things with Kyle are getting ridiculous, so I wrote to Andy on myspace- which I regretted right after I had done it, but now we've been emailing back and forth. I WANT KYLE. I don't even care if he's NEVER my boyfriend, as long as we go back to how we were I'm fine with that. THAT'S WHAT I WANT. True, I would lovee to have a decent boyfriend, but I would rather have Kyle as my non-boyfriend than anyone else as my REAL boyfriend. I don't know what's going on with him either, I know something's wrong and he's not letting me in. It's frusterating, I want to just fix things and he's not letting it happen. Hopefully we still go to the Sharks game together, and hopefully Andy doesn't pull anything like he pulled the last time I talked to him. I just needed someone to talk to, and Andy always listened.. This isn't good, I should have got a puppy or something. Grrr.

This has literally been me and Kyle's conversation for the last 3 days:
February 24th:
Me- hey Kyle?
Kyle- What Stacey?
Me- Can we forget about everything please and just be cool?
Kyle- I don't know its up2 you???
Me-Yes. Want to go to the movies sometime this week like when you get off work or something?
Kyle- Well see when I have time off I don't know
Me-Alright.. I alreayd have 2 gift cards for the movies so just let me know.
Kyle- Yah we'll see
Me-So what are you doing?
Kyle- Nothing
Me-Where are you you?
Kyle- Out
Me- Oh.. okay.

February 25th:
Me- Hey.
Me- Feel like talking to me yet?
Me- Gr. I like you Kyle and you know that.. But I can't deal with this so I won't text you anymore. If you decide we can be cool, let me know.. Bye.
Kyle- Bye then.
Me-Is that your way of saying we aren't cool? I just want us to be how we were.... Don't you want that?
Me-Guess not.. Sorry for bothering you again. but I miss you, so if you start to miss me I will be here. Have a good night.

February 26th:
Me- Hey.
Kyle- What
Me- What do you mean what?
Me- Well you haven't said anything so I will wait, please text me soon.... I want to fix this. I miss you, I hope you're okay..
Kyle- There's nothing2 fix and no im not doing that good.
Me- Why, what's wrong?
Kyle- Bullshit at home. Tired of the same thing day2day its lame.
Me- I am sorry, you shouldn't have to deal with that..

And then nothing. GRRRRRRRR. He's lucky he's a decent person or I would be over this by now.

Lyrics from Let Your Heart Lead;
"You seem preoccupied, I see it in your eyes..
You've got that worried look again.
You're thinking way to much, you're losing faith in us..
I can tell you're close to giving in.
Don't keep trying to overanalyze, you're denying how you're feeling inside..
Just this time before you make up your mind,
Let your heart lead... And maybe it will find me.."

Last night was soo great. Kyle came over and he gets along with my dad completely, which I was so freaked out about. NOBODY meets my dad, that's why me and Andy always got in fights and why I eventually broke up with him because we were fighting to much.. because he wanted to meet my dad, and it wasn't going to happen. And true Kyle met my dad last week by accident, my dad came home at 1 and Kyle was here, but last night it was totally chill. They were talking about Kyle's work and how I'm spoiled haha. So anyways, I'm starting to really like Kyle... but Friday night when I was with Alicia she was talking about stuff Kyle said when we were at lunch that makes her think he's not over his ex, and I hadn't really thought about it.. and then last night I was playing with the chain he was wearing and he was joking, telling me it gives him back problems cause it was so heavy and so I asked why he wore it.. and he was like "it was $150" and I was like "That is crazy" and he was like.. "I didn't buy it..." and I was like... "Oh." Then it got super awkward.. So then he starts kissing me and wants to take his chain off, and I was like... kay, and then he took his watch off too and I just looked at him and he was like... it was a present too.. I should just trust Kyle, he says he only wears it cause he likes them and they're both hella expensive and nicer than the other stuff he has... but I feel like it's weird. I really like him, like this is for REAL.. it would just suck if the one time I fully invest my heart, he doesn't even have his heart to give me, you know? Maybe I'm just stupid, I need to relax.. Grrr.

Lyrics from This Is Me;;
"That was her, this is me.. We are different as can be.
She and I are nothing alike, you're confusing day with night.
That was then, this is now.. you wanna trust me but you don't know how.
I'm never gonna mess around, set you down, can't you see?
That was her... and baby this is me."

Grr. Went to lunch with Alicia and Kyle yesterday, they get along really good. That's not the gr part, but I just wanted to start off with something good. Uhh the gr part, I went to work with Alicia and everyone was like talking about her and Chris Spencer.. The same Chris Spencer I was hanging out with when I was working there. Umm.. And I guess she asked Geraldin (my friend/ex co worker) if she thought I would be mad if she dated Chris. Umm, hell yes I would be fucking pissed. So then at lunch with Kyle she said something about how I was still tripping over old guys.. and that's not it. She wanted to fuck Andy.. the guy I lost my virginity to, and I gave her his phone number. PLEASE Alicia, take Andy off my hands. Terry? I totally gave him up even though he was a really good kisser. I am completely content with someone for the first time in my life, but in the last like 5 weeks she has tried to hook up with at least 6 guys I have already hooked up with. It's not a game, it's my life. How am I supposed to trust someone and call her my best friend? So tonight we're going to hang out with my ex boyfriend Ryan (who is completely just my friend, we dated when I was 15) and I swear to God she was like.. I should totally fuck Ryan tonight. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME!? Beyond frusterated. But I love her, and I like Kyle.. so I'm not going to say anything, she can do what she wants.. and I guess with whoever she wants.. but the day she looks at Kyle longer than two seconds, I will kill her.

Lyrics from Mood Rings;;
"She's so pretty, but she doesn't always act that way.
Her mood's swinging on the swing set almost everyday.
She said to me that she's so stressed out, that it's soothing,
And all I said was someone get that girl a mood ring..
Cause when it's black, it means watch your back..
Because you're probably the last person in the world right now she wants to see.
And when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately,
And ask her out because she'll most likely agree.
And when it's green, it simply means that she is really stressed..
And when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless, and that's alright I must confess.
We all know the girls that I am talking about,
She liked you Wednesday, but now it's Friday and she has to wash her hair.
And it just figures that we'll never figure them out,
Cause first she's Jekyll.. then she's Hyde.. at least she makes a lovely pair."

I'm going to tell a story, because I'm not sure if this is how it happens anywhere else but California. My freshman year in high school I met a boy Kyle, and I liked him more than I'd ever liked anyone so far. But he started dating this other girl that I was a cheerleader with, and I didn't really like her. This was freshman year.. and in middle school we changed boyfriends once a week, so I figured I could wait. But they kept dating. That's when I met Scott.. 2 1/2 years later, it was senior year. And as the alphabet has it, G sits next to H in my computer class.. and Alicia was two rows behind me so I started re-talking to Kyle. WHO WAS STILL WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. But he was soo nice. Even though it was my earliest class (8:05) and even though it was my easiest day (We have A days and B days. A days are 1st, 3rd, and 5th... and B days are 2nd, 4th, and 6th) I never ever cut that class once even when Alicia would beg. So me and Kyle kept talking for like a year after high school, and then I was with Andy and he was STILL with this girl, and I finally gave up. So my yahoo email was the one I used in my computer class and Kyle's email address was stored because we were partners and on Christmas I sent out a happy holidays email and Kyle wrote me back. He is FINALLY single, I have been waiting for this since 2002. So even though I haven't seen him yet or hung out with him at all I figured I'd write the story down, just in case it turns into something.. and if it doesn't, well that's my luck haha. And nothing happened yesterday with Ryan, I'm just super paranoid now with friends like Ricky haha.

Lyrics from Misery Business;;
"I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top.
She's got a body like an hourglass, it's ticking like a clock.
It's a matter of time before we all run out,
When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth.
I waited eight long months, she finally set him free..
I told him I couldn't lie, he was the only one for me.
Two weeks and we caught on fire..
She's got it out for me, but I wear the biggest smile.
Whoa, I never meant to brag, but I got him where I want him now.
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag, to steal it all away from you now.
But God does it feel so good, cause I got him where I want him now..
And if you could then you know you would, it just feels so good."

Okay, I'm taking back my journal from yesterday.. Alicia feels really bad and wants to go to the movies today and I told her I don't want to anymore.. so now she feels even worse, so I'm done being mad at her.. but that's because I'm going to slit Andy's throat if I ever see him again. He calls me, fifty fucking times, and I answer the phone and he starts shit with me.. Doesn't he know how easy it is to hang up? So I did.. and then I get this message from him telling me that when I'm ready to grow up and not start shit and can actually just be friends with him to give him a call.. I'm going to kill him, he's so fucking manipulating. It's kinda driving me crazy that I was with him for 2 years and dealt with it.. I'm so much stronger and way more independant now and he's only been gone 5 months. Plus it's been three weeks since I talked to Chris, and I haven't been trying to hook up with anyone else, this is me growing up.. I want to see him try.

Lyrics from Gunpowder & Lead:
"I'm going home, gonna load my shotgun..
Wait by the door and light a cigarette.
He wants a fight, well now he's got one..
And he ain't seen me crazy yet.
Slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll,
Don't that sound like a real man?
I'm gonna show him what a little girl is made of:
Gunpowder and lead.
His fist is big.. but my gun is bigger.
He'll find out when I pull the trigger."

Done with Jason. Done with Andy. Done with Chris. Now what? I think I need some new boys, so me and Alicia and Jon and Scott Spicer are going to a party tomorrow night in Newark. They're all gonna get drunk, and I'm gonna find a new way to kill time. Jason is not supposed to be anywhere around me, I've been promised.. This looks like it's gonna be a pretty good weekend.

Lyrics from Sucks To Be You:
"You used your last chance so I went and found romance..
Oh, you really just can't stand it.. can you?
You see the smile on my face, and it really drives you crazy..
Just to see how much better off I am without you. I'm happier now.
Ain't it funny how all it took was leaving you, to finally feel good again.
You say you're sorry now, that you've figured out..
Just what it was that you had to lose.. Well, it sucks to be you."

Me and Andy fight wayyy to much for the simple fact that: WE AREN'T TOGETHER. He calls me, every night, to complain about Jason. He doesn't like the comment Jason left on my myspace.. is my status about Jason or about him? Why is Jason before him on my top? Uhm, because I like him more than I like you.. duh. Now he's got some crackhead whore leaving him comments of hearts made of weed and shit.. Plus I haven't talked to Jason in a couple days.. I'm just bitter all around..

Lyrics from Surprise, Surprise:
"I'll be your friend in hell, but until then.. I despise you.
And I probably always will..
I can't afford to make another mistake like this."