Confessions

I NEVER see Alicia anymore. :/
She's always hanging out with my mom, how random is that?
My mom got a horse.. but seriously, I'm so not into it.
So Alicia's been going everyday and riding it and shit..
Instead of hanging out with me.
So I'm always with Megan, and Alicia gets mad.
She says I'm replacing her.
But I wouldn't have to replace her if she were around??
I don't know, plus she has a boyfriend.
And everytime she talks about her boyfriend, she talks about Kyle.
And how after 3 whole years her and Brandan made it work..
And how she just KNOWS me and Kyle will too.
No, we won't. We're nothing like her and Brandan.
And sometimes it's hard, not having her around.
Because in the last three months I've lost:
1. My house. 2. My boyfriend. and 3. Now my best friend?
She's going to Reno for her birthday next week, WITH MY MOTHER.
Because there's another gun show, and her boyfriend wants to go.
But he's only 20. They're going to have no fun in Reno.
But because he's going I'd have no room to sleep in, so I'm not going.
I just texted her like 10 minutes ago to see if she wants to hang out..
I got a job interview and need new clothes and she was all,
"Going to the ranch at 2, can we be done before then?"
SO I'm not texting her back, I'm going shopping with Megan. lol

Lyrics from Girls Do What They Want;;
"She's eighteen and a beauty queen,
She's figured out all the boys like me..
Head to toe, you know she's dressed to kill..
And she could the way she's looking at me.
It's her face and her eyes, I can't escape them..
It's that mouth and those lies, try not to taste them.
That's the way it feels, and the way it'll always be..
Girls do what they want. Boys do what they can.
Girls do what they want. Boys do what they can.
Because the boys are feeling jealous,
And it just doesn't make any sense.
Go on and tell em why the girls are into fellas,
That toss them to the side in the end.
And you know that all the boys are falling in love,
With girls who don't know what's up.
I think we've all had enough of this now.
These kids are talking about love,
I think we've all had enough, we've had enough of this now..
Girls do what they want, and boys do what they can."

I ♥ Vic.
Not love. But reaaally reaaally like. So far.
We're going to Halloween Haunt at Great America in two weeks..
And we're getting a hotel and shit to party afterwards.
Cause Alicia and Scott Spicer are coming too.
Hellaaaaaa fun :)
&& Cook's been home from Arizona all weekend!
It was his 21st so we all went to the Saddle Rack last night,
then had this huge party at his house tonight.
Saw Ryan and David and Willie and met some other people too.
Right now life is fucking amazing.
Except school, I'm bombing at school.
But everything else is awesome!!! Haha I'm waaay too hyper right now.

Lyrics from Down;;
"Don't you ever leave the side of me..
Indefinitely, not probably..
And honestly? I'm down like the economy.
So baby don't worry, you are my only..
You won't be lonely, even if the sky is falling down.
You'll be my only, no need to worry..
Baby are you down, down, down, down, down?" :) <333

I'm so tired :( There was a party for my cousin yesterday in Livermore (like an hour away) so me and Alicia went with my mom.. and then they said they wanted us to stay for the afterparty... so my mom drove me and Alicia home, and then we got back in the car and drove back to Livermore. It was cool though, we played the drinking game Scott Spicer got me for my birthday.. So I didn't even get home until hella late, and now Alicia just called me and she's on her way to my mom's house and they're coming to pick me up cause we said we wanted to see the ranch she's buying in Lodi (like two hours away) so another whole day in the car. My ADHD so isn't up for this shit haha. Aaron fell off the face of the planet, good.. I hope he stays there.

Lyrics from Second Chance;;
"Tell my mother, tell my father..
I've done the best I can.
To make them realize, this is my life..
I hope they understand.
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."

Cook's coming home next month for his 21st birthday :) His mommy just wrote me on myspace. He's been in Arizona since the 4th of July and I miss him :( We were supposed to go to Vegas, but now we're just going to the Saddle Rack and I'm gonna ride the bull! haha. More boy drama. No boys are perfect. I keep forgetting that. Plus I'm ditching school today, I'm too tired. Me and Alicia went to Newark last night and hung out at Pizza Hut while Scott Spicer worked... yummmy Pizza Hut pizza :) It's my favorite! Haha.

Lyrics from Bonfire;;
"You can see it from the river, to the top of White Pine Ridge..
Burning like a summer sun, a bunch of rednecks getting half lit.
There's mud-covered trucks and SUV's, cranking out Hank and AC/DC.
At the bonfire, out in the sticks.. Country backwoods, homegrown hicks.
Bonfire, dance a little jig.. Hold up your cup and take another swig..
Won't sleep till dawn, gonna party right down to the wire.. at the bonfire.
Everybody seen the headlights, when old Sheriff John pulled up..
We all got a little nervous, it was too late to hide our cups.
But then he popped a top and hollered real loud,
"DON'T WORRY YA'LL, I CAME TO HANG OUT!"
At the bonfire.." :)

So, I apologized to Aaron.. which was huge. Because I don't say sorry to anyone, well I didn't except for Kyle. So I feel like being with Kyle kind of broke down all my barriers. I wasn't able to care about someone but myself, I wasn't into commitment or boyfriends or love.. But because I had known Kyle for seven years, he was different to me.. and now that I've felt something for him, I know that I can feel SOMETHING at least. Because before, I wasn't sure if I could ever care about someone. I didn't know how that felt. So Kyle might have fucked me over, and he might have broke the pieces of my heart that I gave to him, but at the same time he might have saved me. I know that I'm going to be okay, and I'm happy that for a week I actually felt hurt.. because I had never felt that before. And now I appreciate being happy so much more, because I know what it's like to be sad. It's so weird to say that, and I know that nobody probably gets it.. but I had never been unhappy, because I had never cared about anyone but myself. So I did what was going to make me happy.. even if it hurt Alicia, even if it hurt my dad, even if it hurt my boyfriends, I did what I did and I didn't care. And now with Aaron it's good. It's uncomplicated. And yeah, I might not feel everything I felt for Kyle with Aaron.. but I can't expect to. At least not right away. And I don't know if Aaron will be it. But someone will be. And I've been hating Kyle for the past two weeks, thinking he broke me.. but in reality I should thank him, because he fixed me. And I'm not sure that anyone else would have been able to. So I don't regret Kyle, not one second of him. And I know I helped him too, and so even though I didn't get the closure I would've wanted.. I got closure. I know we're both better off. And I'm always going to love him, but one day I'm going to love someone else more :)

ME: "I don't know if you're still mad about what I said the other day but I really am so sorry. When I don't get what I want, I say stupid shit and I'm stubborn.. and I don't know how to stop. But you're important to me, and I'm sorry I over-analyze everything and I drive you crazy and I know you don't deserve this shit.. I'm just all messed up and I really want to keep talking to you :( "
AARON: "It's okay, I do the same thing. I was hurt BECAUSE I care about you. But I can't stay mad at you, you're my princess.. But you do think too much babe :)"

Aaron = Ah-mazing <3

Lyrics from Big Green Tractor;;
"She had a shiny little beamer with the rag top down,
Sitting in the drive but she wouldn't get out.
The dogs were all barking and wagging around,
And I just laughed and said "ya'll get in".
She had on a new dress and she curled her hair,
She was looking too good not to go somewhere..
Said "What you wanna do?" She said "Baby I don't care.."
We can go to the show, we can stay right here..
And I can take you for a ride on my big green tractor,
We can go slow, or make it go faster..
Down through the woods, and out to the pasture,
As long as I'm with you it really don't matter.
Climb up in my lap and drive if you want to,
Girl you know you've got me to hold onto..
We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather..
I'll take you for a ride on my big green tractor."

My cousin Zack is out of jail. He's been in and out for the last thirteen years. The longest he's ever been out for is six days, then he violates parole and goes right back in. So I've probably seen my cousin three times since I was eight, but there was a barbeque at my mom's house today.. and tons of other family drama besides that. Aaron is frustrating me already. He ignored me yesterday, and most of today. What is it with guys? They can be perfect for the first week and then... something happens. Then I went to Alicia's and we watched the fourth disk of Desperate Housewives, until the part where Edie was about to die and then I came home because I cried the first time I watched it. Anyways, now I'm home alone at 11pm on a Saturday night with Aaron ignoring me, lovely. I painted my crown molding though all by myself today, and it looks so much better than it did. I can't wait to repaint my room hot pink, my dad is going to die.. but once it's done, it's done :)

Lyrics from Every Girl;;
"My sex game is stupid, my head is the dumbest..
I promise, I should be hooked on phonics..
But anyways, I think you're bionic..
And I don't think you're beautiful, I think you're beyond it.."

I hung out with Aaron today, and I guess it's going good. He wants to take me to the zoo, and a baseball game. We were watching TV and a movie preview came on and he wants to go see that.. Kyle never wanted to do anything! Kyle would barely text me. Aaron is exactly the right amount of clingy I need, I get attention without being annoyed. But everynight when I am trying to fall asleep I ask God to take care of Kyle. He hasn't tried to talk to me since that one day.. and I guess I'm okay with that. I just wish people would stop judging me. Of course I miss Kyle, I fucking loved him. I don't just stop that overnight. No one understands. I mean, I'm sure they say they do. But no one feels how I feel right at this very moment. And if they have felt it before they've had time to move on and they've forgetten JUST how painful every breath is when I'm thinking about him. How everytime a Big 5 catalog comes in the mail I remember bringing him lunches to work. How each time I look at my Texan's pajamas I remember how he made fun of them the first night we slept over together. How driving down certain streets makes me think of him, or certain songs, or when my phone vibrates in the middle of the night how I stop breathing for a second and just hope... just hope he's drunk enough to tell me how he really feels. Last week when we went mini golfing, Scott Spicer was drinking Mad Dog, the same alcohol Kyle was drinking the night of the Sharks game. Two days ago at school, my teacher read the name 'Kyle' off her role sheet and I really looked around EXPECTING him to be there. Everything makes me think about him. And everything hurts. Sometimes I don't want to breathe. Sometimes I just want to cry. And no one gets that. I know it was only 8 months. But that was 8 months of giving someone my everything. And I just wish someone understood that without judging me. Aaron is amazing. Yes, I know. Alicia tells me. My other friends tell me. I'm fully aware. But he's not Kyle. And for right now, I can't make myself stop wanting him to be Kyle. I know I'm fucked up. My heart is probably out of order for the time being. But at least I'm texting Aaron instead of Kyle. At least I'm saying how miserable I am in here, than to someone that could possibly tell Kyle. Because then he'd win. And he can't know he broke me. Because as far as he is concerned, I was never his to break.

Lyrics from Breathe;;
"I see your face in my mind as I drive away..
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people, and sometimes we change our minds..
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.
Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie..
It's the kind of ending you dont really wanna see.
Cause it's tradgedy and it will only bring you down..
Now I don't know what to be without you around.
And we know it's never simple, never easy..
Never a clean break, no one's here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand..
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to..."

I don't know what I'm thinking. Boys are overrated. And if they weren't, I'd pick Aaron. The last couple days have been a little twisted, my head definitely is still spinning.. Anyways, I just really only posted in here to put up lyrics of my favorite song! hahahaha. I've been driving Alicia crazy singing it, and I just watched the video on youtube! lol now I'm never gonna get over it. Plus it was free on myspace, there's no price better than free.

Lyrics from Rockin' The Beer Gut;;
"There's a million different types of girls all around the world,
And they're all so beautiful..
No one knows any better than me, cause I stare so constantly.
But I think I met my match last night at the club,
She was sipping on a Bud.. hanging with her friends on a Friday night.
A five foot somethin' cherry bomb, she had everything going on..
The first thing that caught my eye...
She was rockin' the beer gut, and I love the way she's not ashamed..
Rockin' the beer gut, well it's just some extra love around her waist.
Rockin' the beer gut, she's more than hot.. she's everything.
With her blue jeans a little tight around her butt...
Pretty little girl was rockin' the beer gut." :]

So I guess it's not a secret that this "Kyle thing" has confused me. HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO COME BACK. I know I sound like the shittiest person ever, but I can't fucking help it. I've never done relationships. I've never done love. I've never done the word 'boyfriend' for longer than two months. HE WAS DIFFERENT. I really tricked myself into thinking I could fall for Aaron, but I mean I know something is missing. I've felt it, now I know what it is and how fast it can happen, why would I waste my time when it's not there? I just don't understand how Aaron can like me so much, while I like Kyle so much, while Kyle is the biggest fucking ass in the world. He was almost out of my head, I swear. He shouldn't have texted me because I was going to be okay, and now I'm a mess all over again. Why won't he text me back? What was the point of writing me at all to ignore me? Why does he do this to me? Why do I let him? Why did I have to like him? I can count the number of people I care about on one hand, it's not something I'm proud of.. but I can. Truth is, I usually don't care about ANYONE except myself. (Minus my daddy, Alicia & Zamiera) But Kyle has been on that list since day 1.. and I feel guilty for playing rebound with Aaron, because I know he's genuine as fuck.. but I know what I want, even if who I want doesn't want me.. why does love have to be so fucking complicated? Aaron is perfect for me in every other sense of the word 'perfect' except the fact that my heart doesn't beat any faster when he kisses me.. I don't smile everytime my phone vibrates with a text message.. and I find myself makinge excuses to leave his house early or to not hang out at all. This is so fucked up. Kyle has fucked me up.. I fucking hate him and love him all at the same time. And I don't know what to do..

Lyrics from Thinking Of You;;
Comparisions are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection..
Like an apple hanging from a tree..
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed.
You said 'move on'.. Where do I go??
I guess second best is all I will know.
Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you.. Thinking of you.
What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night..
Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes.
You're like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter.
Like a hard candy, with a surprise center.
How do I get better once I've had the best??
You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test..
He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth.
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself.."

So, Kyle had the nerve to hit me up today. "How u been Stacey?" How have I been? Are you kidding. But unfortunately, I wrote him back.. and he stopped texting me. I don't know why he still gets to me. I've been hanging out with Aaron and shit, this shouldn't be happening. Then an hour ago Aaron called me to see if I wanted to hang out around 5 and I told him I didn't know, because I really was delusional into thinking Kyle changed his mind. I'm fucking insane. Aaron is so much better for me than Kyle. There shouldn't even be that doubt in my mind, I'm so confused. I can't help it that I've felt more for Kyle than every single other boy I've ever been with put together. I can't help it if I fell in love with him. This sucks. I didn't think he would come back. I didn't think I'd ever be put in a situation to choose. And Alicia's mad that I even wrote back.. but I can't help it. At least for me, it's always been Kyle.

Lyrics from You Found Me;;
"Where were you, when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone..
That never rang, and all I needed was a call..
That never came, from the corner of First and Amastad.
Lost and insecure, you found me.. you found me.
Lying on the floor, surrounded.. surrounded.
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me..
In the end, everyone ends up alone.
Losing her, the only one who's ever known..
Who I am, who I'm not, and who I wanna be.
No way to know how long she will be next to me..
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me.."

Hung out with Aaron again last night, he's super cute :) He calls me Princess now because of my tattoo. Hah! And we just laid on his bed and watched the baseball game, very calm.. no drama. It's refreshing? Does that make sense? I guess I've never just had a chill relationship with someone. Not that we're anywhere near a relationship. But we're already starting out so much better than me and Kyle ever got. Then after I hung out with him me, Alicia, Brandon, and Scott Spicer went to Golfland in Milpitas to play mini golf... fun times! haha. They were all completely wasted, but the only person I golfed better than was Alicia and that's cause she would be texting so use one hand and totally miss. Otherwise I would have really sucked haha.

Lyrics from Where I'm From;;
"I said I'm flying out here to pick up my big brother,
He's been fighting the cancer they discovered.
But he called last night and said 'I think this is the end,
so come take me home to my family and my friends'.
Where the quarterback dates the homecoming queen,
The truck's a ford and the tractors green..
And Amazing Grace is what we sing.
Where there's a county fair every fall,
And your friends are there no matter when you call.
Yeah it may not sound like much, but it's where I'm from.
And as we stood there to claim the bags we checked,
He said I'll pray for your brother and did I mention that
Italian suits haven't always been my style..
See I was the quarter back of my high school team,
We took state back in '63..
And my wife.... Well she's still my homecoming queen."

Got my new tattoo. Pictures on my myspace. It hurt, I'm not even gonna lie lol. I hung out with Aaron too, he's cool. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to the same girl I was though, rebounding and hurting guys. Cause karma kicked my ass, and I'm thinking I only want good karma from now on. Hmm, I'm about to go to school to take a math test, and me and Alicia are going out this weekend since I'm finally old enough to go. Haha. Kissing boys isn't rebounding right? It's just having fun? .. I hope so :]

Lyrics from Heart Like Memphis;;
"She sleeps with the TV on, wakes up dreaming he came home..
Won't lay on his side of the bed, too many memories in her head.
No one knows when she cries, all alone in the night..
They just think that she's alright.
Cause she's got a smile like California, she's got a spirit like New Orleans..
Eyes like the lights of New York City, cool as a Carolina breeze..
But underneathe, she's got a heart like Memphis.
She puts on a new dress, she goes out.. she turns all the boys heads..
That's as close.. That's as close as they get, as they're ever gonna get.
She's got a smile like California :] "

Kyle (last night): "Sorry but from now on we can be nothing but friends. I'm seeing someone else."
Me: ......................................... nothing. I couldn't say anything.

I still haven't found the words or emotions to describe how I'm feeling.
Until I do I won't be doing anything. I need to figure out my life.
Alicia's already planned the murders of both him and whatever girl he's with.
I don't even care. I don't feel anything. I'm just... numb.

Lyrics from I Can't Unlove You..;;
"I can't unthink about you. I can't unfeel your touch.
I can't unhear all the words, unsay all the things..
That used to mean so much.
I wish I could unremember everything my heart's been through..
I'm finding out it's impossible to do.
Oh it's no use, I can't unlove you.

So, there are a lot of things I like about my dad.. especially how non-perceptive he is. His fiancé however, she has super-senses. I haven't felt the need to tell my dad me and Kyle are "on the outs" or "broken up" or "taking a break" or whatever him disappearing could possibly mean. Because IF Kyle comes back, and my dad knows how big of an ass he's been, he's never going to like him again.. and I don't want that to happen. So until I know for sure it's over, my dad isn't going to know anything. This involves me lying sometimes and saying I'm going to see Kyle, or that I'm texting Kyle, or that Kyle got me the new $80 bikini I'm wearing. But my dad's fiancé... she sees through it. Tonight I said I was going to hang out with Alicia and Scott Spicer and she was all "Are you and Kyle not seeing each other anymore?" Just flat out. And I kinda looked at her for a second, like.. do you know something I don't? But I played it off, I guess. I said that we're both just really busy and we both have our own lives and I'm not like my sister and her boyfriend or how she is with my dad, I can have a life without my boyfriend being completely involved in every aspect. But she just looked at me, like she knew. And I'm not sure what my problem is with telling people that we're over, maybe because I don't want to admit we're over? Even this guy me and Alicia met at Safeway yesterday.. he asked if I had a boyfriend, and I was like "Yeah." And Alicia laughed so then I thought about it and I was like "No, well.. kind of." And then he laughed, and I was like "I guess I'm not sure." I don't know. I feel weird without him. He hasn't even tried talking to me since my birthday, but I'm sticking with Cosmo and it plainly says don't text him. God I've written a lot. My dad put my pictures frames, mirror, shelves, curtain rod, and crown molding up today.. I'm starting to feel at home here, which is nice. Kyle's picture is in a picture frame next to my bed, my dad put it there when he was setting everything up for me, I haven't had the heart to move it yet but it's probably not healthy to keep it there. Ughh I don't know why everything has to be so hard, I didn't even want a relationship.. I don't know how this fucking happened to me. I'm about to go do a survey on myspace and go to bed early. Life is lameee.

Lyrics from Knock You Down;;
"I never thought I'd be in love like this..
When I look at you my mind goes on a trip.
Then you came in and knocked me on my face,
Feels like I'm in a race.. but I already won first place.
I never thought I'd fall for you as hard as I did..
You've got me thinking about our life, a house, and kids.
Every morning I look at you and smile,
Cause boy you came around.. and you knocked me down.
Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down..
Just get back up when it knocks you down.
Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down..
Just get back up when it knocks you down."

Haven't heard from Kyle, blah blah blah. I'm so lame. Who cares? Nobody. Alicia and the rest of my friends are sick of hearing about him, my dad and his girlfriend are sick of hearing about him, even I'm getting tired of talking about him. I was supposed to start school yesterday, but I've ditched the past two days becauseeee my lips got sunburned in Reno because it's soo fucking dry in Nevada and my lips swelled up, so I went to the doctor and he said I damaged the nerve endings in my lip.. so now I have puffy lips! Meaning, I'm not going out in public like this. Ughhh. I hope my teachers didn't drop me, I will be in so much trouble if they did. For real though, I do miss Kyle.. but I think it's time I put myself back out there and find a new boy. I'm lacking some serious attention.

Lyrics from Eight Second Ride;;
"I said 'hey girl, what's your name? Haven't I seen you before?'
'I recognized them dark green eyes, when you walked through the door..'
'Are you alone or are you with someone?'
She said 'As a matter of fact.. I'm not.'
So I took her hand, that's when it all began..
And we headed towards the parking lot.
And she said 'Hey boy, do you mind taking me home tonight?'
'Cause I ain't ever seen a country boy with tires on his truck this high..'
I said 'Climb on up, but honey watch the cup that I'm spitting my dip inside..
And hold on tight cause it's gonna be wilder than any eight second ride.'