Confessions

Dear Bitch of an Editor,

I have sent you my story TWICE now. It's an important piece and has been my baby for the past week. I want to show people that the tragedy at fort hood affects ALL of us. I did that, you told me I didn't show both sides of the argument, there IS no argument! you want me to find someone to say that what happened at Fort Hood was a good thing? is that what you want?

I rewrite it. I get more input, more reaction and you tell me one of my sources has to go because you have class with her and you feel that her opinion is too much like the professor's? MAYBE SHE HAS THE SAME OPINION!!!

It is hard enough finding students WITH opinions on this campus, 1/2 of them don't even know what happened at Fort hood! So excuse me, but when I find one who actually know what's going on, I don't care where she got her opinion one because she's still better informed than the vast majority of the student body.

So in short. I understand that you don't like me. That's fine, but stop tearing apart my stories just because you don't agree with what I do on my free time, that doesn't make me any less of a journalist. please go fuck yourself.

have a good f'ing day,
Hard working reporter

Miss Anna,
Little do you know, we are slowly getting our property back. With all the love you gave those headphones that belong to my girlfriend, I never expected you to lose them! They were your deciding factor on keeping all of our stuff. What silly thing did you do, though? You went ahead and lost them along with your phone, keys and sweater. Guess who found it all! Your good pal, Deb, from the Hemp place. And can you guess what Deb did? She went through your cell phone and saw that Celeste's name was the first in the phonebook, so she called her. And! Returned her headphones.

And can you take a gander at what we did after we got those back? We went right down to El Paso Small Claims and filed our paperwork to sue you! You sure have it coming, with your bastard fetus, your food stamps and your lack of wanting to find a job. You ruined my favorite town for me, you took away my friends there by spreading lies, you lived off of me and took advantage of me. Now, you're going to get what you deserve. 

-Typical American.

Dear Mom,
Thanks for going through two days of labor to make me come out of your womb nineteen years ago today. I love you.

-Daughter.

Dear Mother-in-Law,

You are apparently supposed to be this amazing cook, right? Then tell me, please, how is it that you don't even know how to make a simple pasta????

-Your bewildered Daughter-in-Law

Dear Mr. F,

Thank you for being the best teacher I've ever had during high school. Thanks for not interrupting me, respecting me, defying the previously held norm that teachers hate us. Thanks for making a difference, while others couldn't. I didn't want to go to college before I met you, but you changed that. Now I'm perched on the sill begging to fly, and you're stuck in this prison of a high school. I never thought I could like math.

Thanks for telling me about your friend who died, and for waking kids up by slamming books on their desks. Thanks for taking in interest in my life.

If it wasn't for you, I would've dropped out a long time ago.

I don't thnk I could ever thank you enough.

Sincerely,

the girl who sits right in front of your desk every day.

Dear John,

Everyone keeps telling me to write you a letter. They say it'll help. I must have written a million and none of them helped, so I went one step farther, I sent one, even though that wasn't the plan, I did it.

I said everything I needed to say. I told you that I am in love with you.

I told you that our 6 years of friendship have meant the world to me, and that it kills to think it could all end because of a few weeks of bliss.

I told you even considering that, I will never regret the time we spent in our own little world.

I told you that I want to see you when you're on leave because I'm afraid if I don't see you then, I'll never get a chance again.

I told you I'm sorry.

I poured my heart out to you and all you had to say when you got it was how you looked like a dork in the picture I sent with it?

what the fuck?

I love you anyway,
A

You,

The feelings I have for you are the weirdest I've ever experienced. Usually my opinions about people are very black and white. I either like them or I don't. With you, not only are my feelings somewhere in the gray, but mixed with two of the most extreme differing emotions out there. I love you, and I hate you. I love you for many reasons. You're the first person I had feelings for, or any kind of connection with. I had a connection with you different from any other one I felt before. I felt like I knew you from a past life, and like I knew you so well when I knew I didn't. Everytime you looked at me, I felt like you always knew something I didn't and that you were holding out on me. You had such an admiration in your eyes for me I literally felt like your Queen. I always did everything for you to make you smile, even better to make you laugh. So you can imagine the hurt when you kept on going out with other girls and pushing the situation at hand further and further. Honestly, when you did that, could you really blame me denying I ever liked you? Here you are going out with other girls and flirting with other girls in front of my face, why would I let myself be vulnerable to something I didn't even know was requited at the time? And this is where I come to my hatred for you. Instead of talking to me about it, you decided to treat me like shit. So bad where I started skipping class just to get away from you, because you wouldn't stop harassing me. You interrogate my best friend because you thought he was my boyfriend, which pissed me off because I was embarrassed and plus, he didn't deserve it. I never did that to any of your girlfriends. In fact, I was nice to them all. Then you refused to work with me in class and told everyone I was a stupid bitch. Then after all of that, you expect me to talk to you again like everything is all peachy keen? After you basically break my trust, and did things to me that I wouldn't even do to someone I hated? Which brings me to the present. No, talking to you isn't an easy thing. I still have harvested feelings for you that are holding me back, I still don't trust you, and I don't get why you can't understand that. You know now that I like you, that should be enough. I'm just asking you to be patient because this isn't easy for me. And for you getting jealous because I held hands with my gay friend and trying to end everything just set you back another 5 steps. If you can have a girlfriend while trying to start something with me on the side, I should be able to hold hands with my friend. Which I hoped the rumor I heard today is true and you did dump her. Because I don't want the girl's face on my conscience, but unfortunately for you I would do something evil like that. Because I do love you.

- Me.

To the random person who doesn't know me but decided to be a bitch...don't you find anything remotely odd with the fact that you were bitching about people like me who were breaking the rules (or something like that, you weren't really clear on what you were pissed at, you were just rude), when I was in fact following the rules and you, by bitching and swearing at me, were breaking them? I mean, really? I responded politely and asked you to do the same, but I've decided it's really not worth the drama, so I'm not going to see if you said something back. I think my life will be better once I start pretending you don't exist. Just one more thing- get off your goddamn high horse and don't bitch at new people just because you don't like what they post. You were new once too. I hope you realize what a vicious cycle you are perpetuating.

I have too much to say to you. I don't understand how anyone could hold a friendship with you, when it's ENTIRELY one sided. You are the most egotistical person that I've ever encountered. I mean, my GOD! You say you're a gift to the acting community... mmm... you can really only play one part. The fat-girl-who-is-eccentric-and-loud. That's not going to get you very far. You have no other skills. Can you even write? Having knowledge about broadway is NOT going to get you any money. Maybe if you became a critic. But... again, can you write? Bitch. Shut up or learn that ever popular phrase, "Would you like fries with that?".

 Dear you,
You looked so upset last night and I'm sorry that my initial response was to try to make it easier by mentioning my rough day at work; which wasn't entirely sympathetic enough as you'd had to inflict emotional anguish on D. Thanks for accepting my hug - I didn't know if it was out of bounds or not, but I'm not the best with emotional comforting (I can bullshit as though it were a fine art - therefore my capacity to be comforting without sounding fake is limited), and I felt I had to do something. Platonic, physical contact can sometimes be a wonderful tonic if you can cling to somebody like a drowning man to driftwood and just stay there for a bit until you feel more secure. 

I do totally understand that you didn't mean to have your head in my chest, but I was standing up and you were sitting, so it wasn't like you could have avoided it anyway. I hope it won't be awkward today as a result of that; I felt we crossed the boundary from co-workers to friends, and you're pretty cool - I would like for us to still hang out after this project is over. I won't mention this to you as I want to gauge your reaction tonight. Fingers crossed everything goes swimmingly and the cast work together. 

Also, worrying is normal at this stage. We have three weeks to go. This is when we get intensive. I won't tell you to stop worrying but I do want you to relax a little (and get some sleep before you die).

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

You know I carefully chose these words to write?
I spent many minutes trying to think of the words you will never see.
Here it is sweet boy.



You know, I stayed awake last night.
But of course you don't know that.
You aren't here with me at this moment.
And at this moment,
I realized you shouldn't be.
Wait though, believe me baby,
when I say there is NOTHING more I want than that.
It is just that, you need to find someone
who's heart is full and able to love.
Who knows who they are.
I'm not done discovering myself,
and until then, I don't want anyone else to start on me.
You've been magical to me.
Your love is unconditional.
And for that, you shall always have my love in your heart.
Many hours and days and years from now,
you probably won't know me anymore.
But remember I am still yours.
No matter where I go.
You are my home.

Dear Cruel World

Your one cruel cruel teacher, you prowl and hunt on the young who know nothing about life. You like to burn people and destory all of there soul. You kill the child in a person, murder the hope, eliminate the trust in humanity, you shun, disgrace, digust the hearts of so many people, its no wonder why no one cares about anyone else but themselves. You turn people into monsters! I am falling victim of your hostile games and I am fighting with myself right now trying to figure out if I should just cave in and become weak....or keep fighting to be strong. I have a choice. Be weak and conform into another lifeless zombie like the rest of the world is, desensitized to the nightmares, accepting of tryants, hopeful of a day dream that will never be a reality or I could be an outspoken angel, tearing through what society wants, express my soul but be rejected, feared and cursed for burning others. Those are my only options. One is easier then the other.

I do not want to be a zombie...but its a easy road to have life force fed to me, not being allowed to decide what is up or down, I get a life that is not my own. A life where I just listen to a higher being and do whatever the fuck they tell me. I want to be a angel, a rarity to the world, someone who changes everything that already is, but that road is so hard. Everyone yelling at you telling you your wrong, life is a card game for you, if your hand is good then life is made, but if your stuck without a good hand then life is the shit. I am fighting the system as much as I can. I care about humanity, I see life in shades of color.

Fuck all you zombies, who stopped caring about humanity, who see the world in black and white, who cannot do what your heart cries out for, fuck all of you who are selfish, only think about yourself, fuck all of you who cannot see the beauty in everything, who are ungrateful for what you have and cannot just be happy. There is so much to life that you have yet to learn but if you cannot have it now its not worth living. You cannot suffer, you have to be free of negativity and scorn, only happiness, and if you cant be happy all the time your life is horrible.

Let me tell you what you zombies dont realize, if you cannot be happy in suffering, then you cannot be happy when times are good. That happiness will have no meaning.

Right now my life sucks, I have no job, I am in serious debt, my mother thinks I am a fuck up, my father abandoned me when I was 11, I have no REAL friends, I have a boyfriend who is walking down the road of becoming a zombie, I am married to a douche bag who wont give me the damn divorce I have wanted since fucking July, I have no car, no phone, no communication with the world, no support, nothing, I am alone in this world. Yes, my life isnt what I want it right now, but am I depressed? No! I am happy with what I do have, because I know what I do have cannot be taken away from me, everything else can, but I will find something in my nothing to be happy about. I know one day when I have everything I ever wanted I will be truely happy, and my happiness will have meaning, because I know what suffering is, I been there, done that and know balane.

You cannot understand anything without balance. You have to suffer to know what happiness is. I have cried enough tears for this world that when I welcome smiles they will be real ones.

My message to all the zombies out there....stop lying to yourself and be real, admit your wrongs, admit the faults in your life and find something to truely be happy for, because your only given one life and you should be what makes it. Just be real.

~ Jeka

Birthday Girl,
Waking up to your sweet face this morning, your nude body pressed gently against mine, your warm hands running down my spine, your lips pushing against mine as I opened my eyes to see you pulling back, smiling at me with that look you give that sends me to heaven made it feel as if I were waking to my birthday, not yours. I hope this day brings your joy, as I hope every other day will, but your twentieth birthday deserves to be such a special day for you. You have brought so much happiness and peace into my life, my love, and you have helped me become so humble and true. I wish only that I can return to you what you have given me. I try, I try so hard, please let me know when I succeed.

You tell me that you love me, want to spend the rest of your life with me, could not live without me, and I believe it all. I want to hear it all. What I want to hear more than anything, though, has never been said. I do not know if it is felt, and it scares me. Maybe, though, it is not meant to be said; only felt. 

I do not want to lose you. I do not want to love and lose again, especially someone like you. The love that I hold for you is earth shattering, mind blowing, unbelievable. It makes all the other loves that I have ever had for anyone else feel void. They all disappear. You erase my mind of all bad that's happened in my life,my troubles, my fears. You leave me tingling with happiness and pulsating with love. Please, let me know that I do the same to you. I would hate to be just another love to you, I want to be the one. The one love that you will never let go. 

Happy birthday.

__________,