Confessions

I lied :]
I brought Eric to Clearlake, and watching the fireworks on my dock with him on Fouth of July just honestly made me miss Kyle. It felt weird, the three hour long drive there, me and Eric ran out of stuff to talk about. I've known him two weeks and already have nothing left to say to him! But I can talk to Kyle for days, text him all day long, talk to him on the phone for three hours, spend the night with him, and then miss him as soon as he leaves in the morning. I never run out of stuff to say to Kyle, it was just weird. He's nice, soo incredibly nice. And he's really smart, he's going to be like a ... genetic engineer?? Or something. He was telling my dad ALL about it. My dad was super interested, but I guess I was just kinda bored. No common interests what-so-ever. And he's cute, reaaally cute. But nothing clicked, at all.. even for a second. I know where my heart is, and I can't deny that.
"I'm over Kyle." "I hate Kyle." "I'm done." "This time I'm really through." "I'm over this bullshit." "It's whatever." "I don't even care." - I know what I've said, and rereading some of the stuff I've written in the last couple months has just made me sad.
Because two days ago I spent the night at Kyle's house. Yesterday morning I woke up with him next to me, and there was nothing else I wanted. And it might be stupid, and it might be dumb, and I might regret it next week..
But as of one hour ago, me and Kyle have been dating for six months. And I know I complain about him a lot, but I've had A LOT of boyfriends, I've known A LOT of guys, and there wasn't a single one of them I dealt with for longer than two months at a time. It's different with Kyle, and in case he ever reads this I just want him to know that.

Kyle;;
Part of me wants to erase every mean thing I've ever wrote about you, because it's not fair. I've made my share of ENORMOUS mistakes and you've forgiven every single one of them. Terry, Max, Ethan - You've forgiven me. Me accidentally telling Hector and Mikey things you have told me that I shouldn't have told anyone - and you didn't even get mad. Me sleeping at Ryan's or bringing Eric to Clearlake or going to the beach with Cook - you trust me. And I KNOW that I have made trusting me really hard. I know I'm a brat, and I'm used to getting my way, so when you don't let me win I get mad and I say mean things.. and that's not okay. You're making me grow up, and I wasn't sure I ever would. You're saving me from myself, because I have no idea where I would be right now if you hadn't come along. I love you more than anything, and you know I'll always be there for you. I'm sorry if I haven't told you everyday for the past one hundred and eighty-two days how important you are to me, but I'm done taking you for granted. I know what I have, trust me. It's just taken awhile for me to fully understand it. Moving, fights with Alicia, getting kicked out of my dad's house, getting in trouble at school, blowing job interviews, sister drama - I would have never gotten through all of that without you. I only recognize when you AREN'T there.. not when you are, and I won't do that anymore. I only write in here one day every couple weeks, when you won't write me back. I don't talk about the other thirteen days where you make me feel so special and wanted and cared about and loved, I just talk about the bad stuff.. It's not fair. I wish you wouldn't have to read all that stuff and feel bad about neglecting me. YOU DO NOT NEGLECT ME. Of course I would love to have you all to myself for the rest of my life and never have to share you with anyone or anything, but I know that's unrealistic. I know you work, I know you have friends, I know you have a family, I know I'm a lot to handle. Thank you for never leaving my side everytime I say I'm over you or done with you're bullshit. I fucking adore you Kyle. I fucking love you. This has been the best six months of my life, and I wasn't sure I'd ever be happy in a relationship... now I can't imagine being happy not being in one :]
Six whole months and I'm still not sick of you yet <333

Lyrics from Best I Ever Had;;
"Baby you're my everything, you're all I ever wanted..
We could do it real big, bigger than you ever done it.
You be up on everything, other hoes ain't ever on it..
I want this forever, I swear.. I could spend whatever on it.
Cause she hold me down everytime I hit her up..
When I get right, I promise that we gonna live it up..
She make me beg for it, until she give it up..
And I say the same thing every single time..
I say you the fucking best, you the fucking best, you the fucking best..
You the fucking best, you're the best I ever had..
The best I ever had, the best I ever had, the best I ever had."