Confessions

I NEVER see Alicia anymore. :/
She's always hanging out with my mom, how random is that?
My mom got a horse.. but seriously, I'm so not into it.
So Alicia's been going everyday and riding it and shit..
Instead of hanging out with me.
So I'm always with Megan, and Alicia gets mad.
She says I'm replacing her.
But I wouldn't have to replace her if she were around??
I don't know, plus she has a boyfriend.
And everytime she talks about her boyfriend, she talks about Kyle.
And how after 3 whole years her and Brandan made it work..
And how she just KNOWS me and Kyle will too.
No, we won't. We're nothing like her and Brandan.
And sometimes it's hard, not having her around.
Because in the last three months I've lost:
1. My house. 2. My boyfriend. and 3. Now my best friend?
She's going to Reno for her birthday next week, WITH MY MOTHER.
Because there's another gun show, and her boyfriend wants to go.
But he's only 20. They're going to have no fun in Reno.
But because he's going I'd have no room to sleep in, so I'm not going.
I just texted her like 10 minutes ago to see if she wants to hang out..
I got a job interview and need new clothes and she was all,
"Going to the ranch at 2, can we be done before then?"
SO I'm not texting her back, I'm going shopping with Megan. lol

Lyrics from Girls Do What They Want;;
"She's eighteen and a beauty queen,
She's figured out all the boys like me..
Head to toe, you know she's dressed to kill..
And she could the way she's looking at me.
It's her face and her eyes, I can't escape them..
It's that mouth and those lies, try not to taste them.
That's the way it feels, and the way it'll always be..
Girls do what they want. Boys do what they can.
Girls do what they want. Boys do what they can.
Because the boys are feeling jealous,
And it just doesn't make any sense.
Go on and tell em why the girls are into fellas,
That toss them to the side in the end.
And you know that all the boys are falling in love,
With girls who don't know what's up.
I think we've all had enough of this now.
These kids are talking about love,
I think we've all had enough, we've had enough of this now..
Girls do what they want, and boys do what they can."

I heard from Kyle. He emailed me last night.
Told me that he's okay, and not to worry about him.
He said he hopes that I'm doing okay too.
I don't know. I just always thought when he wrote me,
IF he wrote me.. I'd get an 'I miss you', at least.
I guess it makes sense. It just hurts major.
Megan's got a boy like Kyle, they were together for 10 months.
He died last night in a car accident, they hadn't talked for a month.
She's a wreck. Like completely beyond devestated.
She won't even answer the phone for me.
I don't know what to tell her. I don't know what she's going through.
I don't understand how things can be okay one minute and horrible the next.
Kyle is still alive. I still have my chance to make things right.
Megan is never going to get that chance. She's never going to have closure.
Life is a complicated situation, and I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
I want to tell Kyle I love him, and that I'm not okay without him.
But then it all feels like I'll be back to square one.
I just miss him. And this one stupid email was not enough.
But I guess if he's happy and alive, then I'm being selfish to ask for anything else.
Because some people don't get that. Megan doesn't have that.
And I'm so sorry for Megan.
Because I beat myself up with guilt for how I treat Kyle now,
I can't even imagine how much guiltier I'd feel if he was gone forever.

Lyrics from Joey I'm So Sorry;;
"What if I said yes? What if I'd gone out that night?
What if you turned left?? Then everything would've turned out alright..
What if I spoke up? What if I took the keys?
What if I had tried a little harder, instead of always trying to please..
Joey, I'm so sorry. Oh, can you hear me? Joey, I'm so sorry.
What if I said no? What if we never fell in love?
What if we'd gone slow? Or a little bit faster and broken up?
Would I know this hurt? Would I feel this pain?
Do you know that with all I have left in my very last breath, I will call your name.
Joey, I'm so sorry. Oh, can you hear me? Joey, I'm so sorry.
Were you sad? Were you scared? Did you whisper a prayer to be free?
Was it quiet and cold? Was it light or too dark to see?
And did you reach for me?? Joey, I'm so sorry. Oh, can you hear me?"

Fighting with Andy daily.
He wants to get back together, and I don't.
Why is that a fucking problem? I'm not leading him on this time.
I don't know what to do.
Teddy went to Santa Barbara for Halloween..
I don't know if I'm gonna hang out with him anymore though.
My cars brakes failed Saturday night,
so I haven't had a car.. major bummer.
But me and Megan hung out with Terry, that was awkward.
Now he's hitting me up non-stop. But it's not like that for me.
Ughh, I'm just over talking to boys.
It's not going to work, so I'm not going to bother.
I quit school :( && I can't find a job. Life is sucky.
But it's okay.. everything will get better.
Can't go anywhere but up?

Lyrics from Self Conclusion;;
>>>"I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough,
And all this cliched motivation.. It could never be enough.
I could stand here all night trying to convince you..
But what good would that do?
My offer stands.. and you must choose."
>>>"Alright, you win. But I only give you one night.
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight.
I swear to God.. if you hurt me, I will leap.
I will toss myself from these very cliffs..
And you will never see it coming."
>>>"Settle precious, I know what you're going through..
Cause ten minutes before you got here.. I was gonna jump too."

Ended up having a one-night stand with Teddy. Well, it was more like a four-day stand cause we hung out four times. I thought I liked him, maybe I wanted to like him, but I don't. I mean, he's totally hot.. and he's smart obviously, and he plays football and we have so much in common and he's probably the greatest guy I've ever met.. but even still, EVEN WHEN I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM, it's just not right. And now I feel bad that I sort of led him on. Yesterday I was with him and he wanted me to spend the night and so I said I'd go back home, get my stuff, and come back.. Then I got home and ignored his texts and never went back. Plus I've talked to Andy for the last three days. Who wants me to move in with him when he moves back to the bay in December.. Ugh, everyone wants me except the person that I want.

Kyle; I don't know where you are. I don't know how you are. I don't know if you're better off. But I just want you to know I've done all this for you. I've made myself miserable just so you'd be okay. So you better fucking be happy, because one of us might as well be.

Lyrics from No Address In The Stars;;
"I stumbled across your picture today, I could barely breathe..
The moment stopped me cold and grabbed me like a theif.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there.
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair..
I just wanted to hear your voice, I just needed to hear your voice.
What do I do with all I need to say?
There's so much I want to tell you everyday..
Oh it breaks my heart, I cry these tears in the dark..
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue..
Cause there's no address in the stars."

I met THE coolest guy tonight. Me and Megan (I met her at Cook's party.. turns out, she's the girl Cook slept with when me and him were dating when I was 16!! haha but then I met her and decided I loved her) went to San Francisco State, where she went last semester and was kicking it at the DSA.. Dorm Student Accomadations or something I dunno.. anyways so we met hella of her friends and I was standing there and this guy comes up to me and straight just like cuts into my conversation with someone else and introduced himself to me because he said he'd regret it if he hadn't.. so I started talking to him and then me, him, and Megan got Nations (which is the BEST place for cheeseburgers EVER) and then we went back to state. But the reason we went in the first place was because last weekend, the day after I met Megan, we went to SF and I met her friend Moose.. And Megan is like tripping over his roommate or whatever. So Moose told her that he'd hook it up with David if she brought me to kick it with him.. So I had to leave Teddy (the guy I met) and we went there. But it was lame, and David.. the guy she went to kick it with, was at their apartment with some other girl.. so we left and went back to State. But Teddy had gone to a party so me and Megan went to her old dorm and hung out with her old friends until Teddy finally hit me back up, and then we kicked it with him and his friends some more outside.. even though it's freezing and foggy in SF all the time, but it was cool. And I like him. He was just honest, like more real than anyone has ever been with me. No one has told me my tattoo was stupid!! I love my tattoo. But he went into why it's wrong for me to think of myself as a princess and shit, but he was nice about it at the same time. I dunno, I like honesty. Can't say I've gotten much of that in the past year, like finally someone is actually telling me how he feels and what he thinks. So he's cool, hopefully I'll kick it with him soon. It's different with him. It's niceee, plus there's totally a spark! haha :) I'm so lame!

Lyrics from I Make Them Good Girls Go Bad;;
"I know your type, you're daddy's little girl..
Just take a bite, let me shake up your world..
Cause just one night couldn't be so wrong,
I'm gonna make you lose control.
She was so shy, until I drove her wild.
I make them good girls go bad, I make them good girls go bad.
You were hanging in the corner with your 5 best friends..
You heard that I was trouble, but you couldn't resist.
I make them good girls go bad.
I know your type, boy you're dangerous..
Yeah you're that guy, I'd be stupid to trust.
But just one night couldn't be so wrong,
You make me want to lose control.
She was so shy, until I drove her wild.
I make them good girls go bad, I make them good girls go bad.
I was hanging in the corner with my 5 best friends..
I heard that you were trouble, but I couldn't resist."

The Kyle thing hurts today. Way more than it has been.
I hung out with this new guy Randall this morning..
And I guess that's when it happened, just like.. bam.
He's not Kyle. He's never going to be Kyle.
I'm never going to care about him the way I cared about Kyle.
Like now, I just know. I can feel it. It's not gonna be the same.
I drove by his work like four times. Trying to find his car.
I don't know if he was there or not. I don't know if he's okay or not.
I just fucking miss him, and it really hurts and I'm breaking..
I haven't cried, not since he left. I've wanted to, but I haven't.
I do NOT want to break now. I don't want to keep missing him.
He's not missing me, or he'd text me.
Because he knows I have no life and I'd be there in a second.
He knows he could always have me where he wants me.
I've almost texted him a bazillion times, and even wrote out an email.
I'm trying to be strong, I don't want to give in.
It's one thing to be completely miserable,
It's another thing to have him know that I am.
I've never felt like this before, I don't even know what to do.

Lyrics from More Than A Memory;;
"People say she's only in my head,
It's gonna take time to laugh again..
They say I need to get on with my life,
But they don't realize..
It's when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone,
Driving across town just to see if she's home..
Waking a friend in the dead of night,
Just to hear him say "It's gonna be alright."
When you find other things to do, not to fall asleep..
Cause you know she'll be there in your dreams.
That's when she is more than a memory."

I ♥ Vic.
Not love. But reaaally reaaally like. So far.
We're going to Halloween Haunt at Great America in two weeks..
And we're getting a hotel and shit to party afterwards.
Cause Alicia and Scott Spicer are coming too.
Hellaaaaaa fun :)
&& Cook's been home from Arizona all weekend!
It was his 21st so we all went to the Saddle Rack last night,
then had this huge party at his house tonight.
Saw Ryan and David and Willie and met some other people too.
Right now life is fucking amazing.
Except school, I'm bombing at school.
But everything else is awesome!!! Haha I'm waaay too hyper right now.

Lyrics from Down;;
"Don't you ever leave the side of me..
Indefinitely, not probably..
And honestly? I'm down like the economy.
So baby don't worry, you are my only..
You won't be lonely, even if the sky is falling down.
You'll be my only, no need to worry..
Baby are you down, down, down, down, down?" :) <333

I. Want. To. Scream.
I keep saying I don't need guys, that I don't want them.
But I can't NOT have attention from someone.. and that's how it starts.
I didn't even fucking like Aaron. I just needed to not think about Kyle.
But then Aaron disappeared and I missed him, not Kyle anymore.
Now I've been talking to this guy Vic, who WAS fucking amazing.
But then so was Aaron.. and at a point, so was Kyle..
And now HE'S gone. Just straight stopped texting me back and shit.
We were SUPPOSED to go to Love Fest in San Francisco this weekend.
He was talking about all this stuff.. like plans and shit. I don't understand.
I've never been dumped IN MY LIFE.
Now.. In a month and a half.. I've been "dumped" three fucking times.
I guess none of them count though, and technically I dumped Kyle..
but this fucking sucks, and I don't fucking like it.
Ughhhhhhhh.

Lyrics from Letdown;;
"She said 'You're just a letdown..
Another one of my mistakes.
I never loved you anyway..
I never did, I never will.'
She said 'You're just a letdown..
I finally found the nerve to say..
I never loved you anyway.
I never did and I never will."

No matter what, at least once in your life, someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are, and rip it into pieces and they won't even stick around long enough to watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you're strong, and no matter how hard they destroy you, you can conquer anyone.

I love that quote. It makes me smile. No boys presently, I've never just been by myself.. I think this time, I just want to be alone. Just to prove to myself that I can be. I'm not sure what happened to Aaron, after his message on myspace he disappeared. But I guess it's no surprise.

Lyrics from No Surprise;;
"Its no surprise I won't be here tomorrow,
I can't believe that I stayed till today..
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow,
There's nothing here in this soul left to say.
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow,
God knows we tried to find an easier way..
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow,
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise."

I'm so tired :( There was a party for my cousin yesterday in Livermore (like an hour away) so me and Alicia went with my mom.. and then they said they wanted us to stay for the afterparty... so my mom drove me and Alicia home, and then we got back in the car and drove back to Livermore. It was cool though, we played the drinking game Scott Spicer got me for my birthday.. So I didn't even get home until hella late, and now Alicia just called me and she's on her way to my mom's house and they're coming to pick me up cause we said we wanted to see the ranch she's buying in Lodi (like two hours away) so another whole day in the car. My ADHD so isn't up for this shit haha. Aaron fell off the face of the planet, good.. I hope he stays there.

Lyrics from Second Chance;;
"Tell my mother, tell my father..
I've done the best I can.
To make them realize, this is my life..
I hope they understand.
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."

Cook's coming home next month for his 21st birthday :) His mommy just wrote me on myspace. He's been in Arizona since the 4th of July and I miss him :( We were supposed to go to Vegas, but now we're just going to the Saddle Rack and I'm gonna ride the bull! haha. More boy drama. No boys are perfect. I keep forgetting that. Plus I'm ditching school today, I'm too tired. Me and Alicia went to Newark last night and hung out at Pizza Hut while Scott Spicer worked... yummmy Pizza Hut pizza :) It's my favorite! Haha.

Lyrics from Bonfire;;
"You can see it from the river, to the top of White Pine Ridge..
Burning like a summer sun, a bunch of rednecks getting half lit.
There's mud-covered trucks and SUV's, cranking out Hank and AC/DC.
At the bonfire, out in the sticks.. Country backwoods, homegrown hicks.
Bonfire, dance a little jig.. Hold up your cup and take another swig..
Won't sleep till dawn, gonna party right down to the wire.. at the bonfire.
Everybody seen the headlights, when old Sheriff John pulled up..
We all got a little nervous, it was too late to hide our cups.
But then he popped a top and hollered real loud,
"DON'T WORRY YA'LL, I CAME TO HANG OUT!"
At the bonfire.." :)

So, I apologized to Aaron.. which was huge. Because I don't say sorry to anyone, well I didn't except for Kyle. So I feel like being with Kyle kind of broke down all my barriers. I wasn't able to care about someone but myself, I wasn't into commitment or boyfriends or love.. But because I had known Kyle for seven years, he was different to me.. and now that I've felt something for him, I know that I can feel SOMETHING at least. Because before, I wasn't sure if I could ever care about someone. I didn't know how that felt. So Kyle might have fucked me over, and he might have broke the pieces of my heart that I gave to him, but at the same time he might have saved me. I know that I'm going to be okay, and I'm happy that for a week I actually felt hurt.. because I had never felt that before. And now I appreciate being happy so much more, because I know what it's like to be sad. It's so weird to say that, and I know that nobody probably gets it.. but I had never been unhappy, because I had never cared about anyone but myself. So I did what was going to make me happy.. even if it hurt Alicia, even if it hurt my dad, even if it hurt my boyfriends, I did what I did and I didn't care. And now with Aaron it's good. It's uncomplicated. And yeah, I might not feel everything I felt for Kyle with Aaron.. but I can't expect to. At least not right away. And I don't know if Aaron will be it. But someone will be. And I've been hating Kyle for the past two weeks, thinking he broke me.. but in reality I should thank him, because he fixed me. And I'm not sure that anyone else would have been able to. So I don't regret Kyle, not one second of him. And I know I helped him too, and so even though I didn't get the closure I would've wanted.. I got closure. I know we're both better off. And I'm always going to love him, but one day I'm going to love someone else more :)

ME: "I don't know if you're still mad about what I said the other day but I really am so sorry. When I don't get what I want, I say stupid shit and I'm stubborn.. and I don't know how to stop. But you're important to me, and I'm sorry I over-analyze everything and I drive you crazy and I know you don't deserve this shit.. I'm just all messed up and I really want to keep talking to you :( "
AARON: "It's okay, I do the same thing. I was hurt BECAUSE I care about you. But I can't stay mad at you, you're my princess.. But you do think too much babe :)"

Aaron = Ah-mazing <3

Lyrics from Big Green Tractor;;
"She had a shiny little beamer with the rag top down,
Sitting in the drive but she wouldn't get out.
The dogs were all barking and wagging around,
And I just laughed and said "ya'll get in".
She had on a new dress and she curled her hair,
She was looking too good not to go somewhere..
Said "What you wanna do?" She said "Baby I don't care.."
We can go to the show, we can stay right here..
And I can take you for a ride on my big green tractor,
We can go slow, or make it go faster..
Down through the woods, and out to the pasture,
As long as I'm with you it really don't matter.
Climb up in my lap and drive if you want to,
Girl you know you've got me to hold onto..
We can go to town, but baby if you'd rather..
I'll take you for a ride on my big green tractor."

Reading Cosmo makes me sad I don't have a boyfriend :( I got the October issue today, (isn't it weird it comes out a whole three and a half weeks before the start of the month??) and it's my first time like EVER being single reading Cosmo. Haha, all the "cheap dates to have with your boyfriend" and "Bad girl sex, to make your boyfriend want you more.." LAME! Plus it was talking about a cheap date being a pumpkin patch date.. I want to carve a pumpkin with a boy!!! I haven't carved a pumpkin since I was small, how cute would that be? I hate Kyle. Not that he would've done it even if we were still together though, he was just lame all together. I was a bitch to Aaron. Completely. Now he won't talk to me, and I don't blame him. I'm just really sad about this Cosmo thing haha. Megan Fox is on the cover, she has only had sex with 5 or less guys! That's amazing to me. I mean I'm only at 3 and I'm 21.. but I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20. And she lost hers at 17 ... so for like 7 years she can count the number of guys she's slept with on one hand. This sucks. Because I'm definitely not having sex with Andy or Tommy again, and probably not Kyle.. so there is a very good chance I'll be at #4 or #5 before the end of the year. I just want a stupid boyfriend :( ughh!

Lyrics from Kiss A Girl;;
"To kiss and tell, it's just not my style..
But the night is young, and it's been awhile.
And she broke my heart, broke it right in two.
And it took some time, but I'm feeling like I'm finally ready too..
Find somebody new.
I wanna kiss a girl, I wanna hold her tight..
Maybe make a little magic in the moonlight.
Don't wanna go to far, just to take it slow..
But I shouldn't be lonely in this big old world, I wanna kiss a girl."

My cousin Zack is out of jail. He's been in and out for the last thirteen years. The longest he's ever been out for is six days, then he violates parole and goes right back in. So I've probably seen my cousin three times since I was eight, but there was a barbeque at my mom's house today.. and tons of other family drama besides that. Aaron is frustrating me already. He ignored me yesterday, and most of today. What is it with guys? They can be perfect for the first week and then... something happens. Then I went to Alicia's and we watched the fourth disk of Desperate Housewives, until the part where Edie was about to die and then I came home because I cried the first time I watched it. Anyways, now I'm home alone at 11pm on a Saturday night with Aaron ignoring me, lovely. I painted my crown molding though all by myself today, and it looks so much better than it did. I can't wait to repaint my room hot pink, my dad is going to die.. but once it's done, it's done :)

Lyrics from Every Girl;;
"My sex game is stupid, my head is the dumbest..
I promise, I should be hooked on phonics..
But anyways, I think you're bionic..
And I don't think you're beautiful, I think you're beyond it.."

I hung out with Aaron today, and I guess it's going good. He wants to take me to the zoo, and a baseball game. We were watching TV and a movie preview came on and he wants to go see that.. Kyle never wanted to do anything! Kyle would barely text me. Aaron is exactly the right amount of clingy I need, I get attention without being annoyed. But everynight when I am trying to fall asleep I ask God to take care of Kyle. He hasn't tried to talk to me since that one day.. and I guess I'm okay with that. I just wish people would stop judging me. Of course I miss Kyle, I fucking loved him. I don't just stop that overnight. No one understands. I mean, I'm sure they say they do. But no one feels how I feel right at this very moment. And if they have felt it before they've had time to move on and they've forgetten JUST how painful every breath is when I'm thinking about him. How everytime a Big 5 catalog comes in the mail I remember bringing him lunches to work. How each time I look at my Texan's pajamas I remember how he made fun of them the first night we slept over together. How driving down certain streets makes me think of him, or certain songs, or when my phone vibrates in the middle of the night how I stop breathing for a second and just hope... just hope he's drunk enough to tell me how he really feels. Last week when we went mini golfing, Scott Spicer was drinking Mad Dog, the same alcohol Kyle was drinking the night of the Sharks game. Two days ago at school, my teacher read the name 'Kyle' off her role sheet and I really looked around EXPECTING him to be there. Everything makes me think about him. And everything hurts. Sometimes I don't want to breathe. Sometimes I just want to cry. And no one gets that. I know it was only 8 months. But that was 8 months of giving someone my everything. And I just wish someone understood that without judging me. Aaron is amazing. Yes, I know. Alicia tells me. My other friends tell me. I'm fully aware. But he's not Kyle. And for right now, I can't make myself stop wanting him to be Kyle. I know I'm fucked up. My heart is probably out of order for the time being. But at least I'm texting Aaron instead of Kyle. At least I'm saying how miserable I am in here, than to someone that could possibly tell Kyle. Because then he'd win. And he can't know he broke me. Because as far as he is concerned, I was never his to break.

Lyrics from Breathe;;
"I see your face in my mind as I drive away..
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people, and sometimes we change our minds..
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.
Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie..
It's the kind of ending you dont really wanna see.
Cause it's tradgedy and it will only bring you down..
Now I don't know what to be without you around.
And we know it's never simple, never easy..
Never a clean break, no one's here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand..
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to..."