Confessions

I feel like I've taken on the role of Jason's girlfriend. We talk/text all the time, and anytime anything happens we're who each other wants to talk to. Today he had like THE WORST DAY EVER and it took all day to make him smile, but I didn't mind. It used to drive me crazy when Kyle pulled this shit, but I guess that's just because it happened daily with Kyle, and Jason was just having a really shitty day. But now he wants to join the Air Force, and I'm not his girlfriend... so I can't stop him from leaving me. He just doesn't know if he can go while still on probation, I'm hoping not :/

Tonight;;
Jason; thanks for everything again stacey.. and im sorry for the way i was acting jus bein a complete jerk.. ill talk to u tomorrow kk good night sweet dreams :)

If I say I like Jason, I feel like that's an understatement.. but at the same time I feel like it's too much. We went and saw New Moon last night, and I can't explain it. Holding his hand during Paranormal Activity was one thing, because I was scared out of my mind.. but holding his hand last night was something way different. I guess it sounds stupid, but I don't really care.. because it's my journal. So I kinda like Jason, but I can't ever picture him being a boyfriend.. so why complicate this with feelings? I like that he holds my hand when I'm driving and sings me songs along with the radio. I love that he calls me just to tell me something completely random and always texts me good night. I like that he knows me well enough to know what I'm feeling with just a look. I love how he asks questions about my life and waits all day for me to explain the answer, and how he remembers every word when we talk about it later. I love that he gets me. and I don't want that to ever go away. Ever.

Yesterday;;
Jason; wat r u doing today? still wanna kick it?
Stacey; Yeah, if you are. lol.
Jason; wat wud u like to do if we kick it?
Stacey; I don't care haha you know me, down for whatever lol :)
Jason; u wanna see New Moon, don't u?
Stacey; Yes! OMG Jason, I would love you so much :)
Jason; haha ok well do that then
Stacey; :) :) :) :) :) :)
Jason; there r movies like every half hour, so whenever u get here well just go
Stacey; Kay, well just let me know when you want me to come over..
Jason; u havent left already?? jkjk lol leave now
Stacey; haha yes sir :)

So, whenever something good happens, like I got a job at Macy's on Tuesday, Jason is the first person I hit up. Whenever something bad happens, it's Jason that I text. He calls me to wake me up when he gets out of school and he calls me before he goes to bed. There's nothing going on, it's just easy. I don't have to work at it, everything just makes sense when I'm with him. We seriously talk about nothing, today he was playing hearts on the computer and I just sat there and listened to him. I wish I could take how I feel with Jason and put it in someone else. Because things can never happen with me and him, but if I felt how I felt with him with someone else.. maybe I could finally get over Kyle?

Today;;
Jason; wut r u doing tonight?
Stacey; Nothing :( me and Alicia are fighting..
Jason; really? first me and scott and now u 2?
Stacey; Yeah, it's fucking stupid. Whatever.
Jason; it doesn't matter, friends come and go u'll always have family
Stacey; Not me! lol I'm always alonee :( haha.
Jason; well i'll be ur family, i'll never go anywhere
Stacey; Haha okay. I'm 9 months older than you! Does that make you my little brother??
Jason; umm no
Stacey; Haha okay good..
Jason; why is that good? :)
Stacey; Hahaha... I don't know... because?
Jason; lol ;)

Went to Newark and saw Paranormal Activity with Jason yesterday.. Besides for me jumping into his lap at least four times, leaving fingernail prints in his hand from squeezing it so hard, and ripping his arm practically all the way off.. it went okay. That's the weird thing about Jason. No matter how much he hated me for sleeping with Tommy, no matter how mad I was at him for telling me he was dating someone else on my birthday, no matter how much time it's been since I've seen him.. it feels like he never left. Everything feels the same way as it did last year.. We hung out, went on a walk, sat in my car and talked for over an hour, went to his house and looked at pictures he's taken.. Nothing happened, it was just nice. I missed him.

Last night after I left;
Jason; Ur gonna be aight tonight right?
Stacey; I hope so :) Why, are you gonna be alright?
Jason; Of course ill be fine lol im a guy
Stacey; Oh okay lol just making sure you didn't miss me..
Jason; and wat if i do?
Stacey; Haha! I was just kidding.
Jason; Do u miss me?
Stacey; Yeah..
Jason; i miss you too.. i had hella fun today!
Stacey; Me too :)
Jason; lol well shit im tired bouta go to bed so good night, sweet dreams b4 i fall asleep on u lol ill txt u tomorrow or u can txt me when you wake up :p
Stacey; haha. Good night Jason!
Jason; good night Stacey :)

So, I under-estimated Jason. I even compared him to Ryan, but obviously.. I'm an idiot. I fucking talked to him on the phone for 5 hours today! I haven't talked to someone that long probably since the last time I talked to Jason. I don't run out of stuff to say to him. And we're hanging out tomorrow, which will be weird. I already told him that we're just friends this time and nothing can complicate it.. but how is he supposed to believe that, when I don't believe myself when I say it? But I feel invincible again, like how I used to feel. And I missed this feeling. I cannot fall for Jason. I cannot fall for Jason. I cannot fall for Jason. Kyle was one thing, Kyle was a decent person. I know Jason, and I cannot, WILL NOT fall for Jason.

Today
Me; I'm hella hungry, my daddy doesn't make me dinner anymore!
Jason; lol well i can bbq hella good so one night it doesnt rain its good :) ill cook for u lol
Me; Yumm, Sounds hella good to me.
Jason; lol :) were good then
Me; Good, this time I just hope it stays good haha.
Jason; it will :)
Jason; im really excited to kick it wit u tho! it seems like its been hella too long lol
Me; Yeah it's been like.. forever? So we definitely have to kick it tomorrow.
Jason; Fo sho :)
Me; You know, you've smiled in almost every text you've send me? Lol, I think someone's happy to talk to me :)
Jason; lol well i already kno im makin u smile so were even
Me; Yeah but I always smile! haha.
Jason; yes but u cant say u havent been smiling all night cuz of me tho lol ;p

Repeat:
I cannot fall for Jason.
I cannot fall for Jason.
I CANNOT fall for Jason.

So I stopped talking to every other guy I was talking to as soon as Kyle wrote me back. I didn't expect him to come back, but I figured if I was even considering it then I shouldn't be with anyone else anyways. So it's been two weeks without other boys, and without hearing from Kyle again. But I still think I made a good decision, both writing to him and not talking to anyone else. Jason hit me up on myspace though, I gave him my new number.. I know I'll probably regret it in a couple of weeks, but if I can be JUST FRIENDS with Ryan why wouldn't it work the same way with Jason?

I emailed Kyle, and he emailed me back. He says that he's okay, and not to worry about him. He said he hopes that I'm doing okay too. I kind of knew he was okay without me, it just hurts major. I want to tell him I love him, and that I'm not okay without him. But then it all feels like I'll be back to square one. I just miss him. And this one stupid email was not enough. But I guess if he's happy and alive, then I'm being selfish to ask for anything else.

Fighting with Andy. He wants to get back together, and I don't. Why is that a problem? I'm not leading him on this time. I don't know what to do. Teddy went to Santa Barbara for Halloween.. I don't know if I'm gonna hang out with him anymore though. And me and Megan hung out with Terry, that was awkward. Now he's hitting me up non-stop. But it's not like that for me. Ughh, I'm just over talking to boys. It's not going to work, so I'm not going to bother. I quit school & I can't find a job. But it's okay.. everything will get better.Can't go anywhere but up?

Ended up having a one-night stand with Teddy. Well, it was more like a four-day stand cause we hung out four times. I thought I liked him, maybe I wanted to like him, but I don't. I mean, he's hot and he's smart obviously, and he plays football and we have so much in common and he's probably the greatest guy I've ever met.. but even still, EVEN WHEN I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM, it's just not right. And now I feel bad that I sort of led him on. Yesterday I was with him and he wanted me to spend the night and so I said I'd go back home, get my stuff, and come back.. Then I got home and ignored his texts. Plus I've talked to Andy for the last three days. Who wants me to move in with him when he moves back to the bay in December.. Ugh, everyone wants me except the person that I want.
Kyle; I don't know where you are. I don't know how you are. I don't know if you're better off. But I just want you to know I've done all this for you. I've made myself miserable just so you'd be okay. So you better fucking be happy, because one of us might as well be.

I met THE coolest guy tonight. Me and Megan went to San Francisco State, where she went last semester and were kicking it at the DSA.. so we met hella of her friends and I was standing there and this guy comes up to me and straight just like cuts into my conversation with someone else and introduced himself to me because he said he'd regret it if he hadn't.. so I started talking to him and then me, him, and Megan got Nations and then we went back to state. But the reason we went in the first place was because last weekend, the day after I met Megan, we went to SF and I met her friend Moose.. And Megan is like tripping over his roommate or whatever. So Moose told her that he'd hook it up with David if she brought me to kick it with him.. So I had to leave Teddy and we went there. But it was lame, and David was at their apartment with some other girl.. so we left and went back to State. But Teddy had gone to a party so me and Megan went to her old dorm and hung out with her old friends until Teddy finally hit me back up, and then we kicked it with him and his friends some more outside.. even though it's freezing and foggy in SF all the time, but it was cool. And I like him. He was just honest, like more real than anyone has ever been with me. No one has told me my tattoo was stupid!! I love my tattoo. But he went into why it's wrong for me to think of myself as a princess and shit, but he was nice about it at the same time. I dunno, I like honesty. Can't say I've gotten much of that in the past year, like finally someone is actually telling me how he feels and what he thinks. So he's cool, hopefully I'll kick it with him soon. It's different with him. It's nice.

The Kyle thing hurts today. Way more than it has been. I hung out with this guy Randall this morning.. And I guess that's when it happened, just like.. bam. He's not Kyle. He's never going to be Kyle. I'm never going to care about him the way I cared about Kyle. Like now, I just know. I can feel it. It's not gonna be the same. I don't know where he is. I don't know if he's okay or not. I just fucking miss him, and it really hurts and I'm breaking.. I haven't cried, not since he left. I've wanted to, but I haven't. I do NOT want to break now. I don't want to keep missing him. He's not missing me, or he'd text me. Because he knows I have no life and I'd be there in a second. He knows he could always have me where he wants me. I've almost texted him a bazillion times, and even wrote out an email. I'm trying to be strong, I don't want to give in. It's one thing to be completely miserable, it's another thing to have him know that I am. I've never felt like this before, I don't even know what to do.

I ♥ Vic.
Not love. But reaaally like. So far. && Cook's been home from Arizona all weekend! It was his 21st so we all went to the Saddle Rack last night, then had this huge party at his house tonight. Saw Ryan and lil David and Willie and met some other people too like this girl Megan. Right now life is fucking amazing. Except school, I'm bombing at school. But everything else is awesome. :)

I. Want. To. Scream.
I keep saying I don't need guys, that I don't want them. But I can't NOT have attention from someone.. and that's how it starts. I didn't even like Aaron. I just needed to not think about Kyle. But then Aaron disappeared and I missed him, not Kyle anymore. Now I've been talking to this guy Vic, who WAS amazing. But then so was Aaron.. and at a point, so was Kyle.. And now HE'S gone. Just straight stopped texting me back and shit. I don't understand. I've never been dumped IN MY LIFE. Now.. In a month and a half.. I've been "dumped" three fucking times. I guess none of them count though, and technically I dumped Kyle.. but this fucking sucks, and I don't like it.

No matter what, at least once in your life, someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are, and rip it into pieces and they won't even stick around long enough to watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn that you're strong, and no matter how hard they destroy you, you can conquer anything..

I'm so tired :( There was a party for my cousin yesterday in Livermore so me and Alicia went with my mom.. and then they said they wanted us to stay for the afterparty... so my mom drove me and Alicia home, and then we got back in the car and drove back to Livermore. It was cool though, we played the drinking game Scott Spicer got me for my birthday.. So I didn't even get home until hella late, and now Alicia just called me and she's on her way to my mom's house and they're coming to pick me up cause we said we wanted to see the ranch she's buying in Lodi (like two hours away) so another whole day in the car. My ADHD so isn't up for this shit haha. Aaron fell off the face of the planet, good.. I hope he stays there.